I had decided to find out more about what is the meaning of love. There is no definition of love. And a friend was telling someone that he cannot force love into a person if he/she does not want to open up.
So I searched online and chance upon this website which I feel what the author says makes sense.
All along we have been living under this delusion that you feel like you're floating or have this butterfly feeling in your stomach when you met the one, where you will live happily ever after with that someone.
That's fantasy, not reality.
When they said there's a honeymoon period, that's when you are overcome by an undeniable sense of knowing however when that knowing fade, that is when the honeymoon period ends and that is where the real work begin. Some may work towards it, some may feels that they are in a wrong relationship because of the diminished feeling and start all over again. This is one cycle that will never ends for they will keep feeling the same over and over again.
Love is like a seed, that needs to be planted and cultivated and watch it grow, and blossom. Love does not grow overnight. Love needs care and attention, commitment and patience.
We do not have to love but we choose to love. That is why I choose to love no matter how hard it can be, how much work it takes.
I am sure that many will find the following familiar:
"Not to compromise, not to put up with anything we don't like, not to sacrifice for that one person. Never put in too much."
Yet, compromise and sacrifice is what keeps the love going. What is too much and too little? If never put in much, of course nothing will ever works. Too much and scare of being pricked by the thorns? Isn't that part of life? If one never get hurt, how to improve? How to be better?
I remembered someone asking me whether do I feel any chemistry with the person I was dating. I wondered, what chemistry?
Instead of jumping to another moving vehicle, should one try to handle the current car well and try to understand how it works? Once you can handle it, all the frustrations you felt, the impatience and fear will all disappear.
Sometimes I do feel like giving up on something since it is easier and I do not have to go through it again or ever face it again but I stopped myself. For I asked myself, am I not giving it up to easily without trying no matter how tough or difficult it gets? Shouldn't I try to go through it try again and if I fail, I will try harder until I succeed? That is when you get to taste the sweet success right?
Some, where no matter how hard life tries to get them down, they will always stay optimistic, face it and fight it off. Fighting for one's happiness. Even when they are doing it alone. It is tough but they made it. Some are lucky and have another beside them to fight together.
When fighting alone, one tends to get exhausted, tired and just want to rest and not think about it, not fight it any more and let the hardness of life gets to them.
That is what I am feeling I guess. It feels lonely at times to know that I am fighting for something alone, to a certain extend that I feel that it is pointless to fight for it when I know it will not yield any results. It is exhausting, tiring and makes me wonder at times, why try so hard when I could just throw it away and start a new one? The feeling of not knowing whether will the plant grow, whether will it die away. I guess, you will never know if you never try right?
If the plant wants to grow, it will fight alongside with me. If it doesn't, it will wither away and die. Which is easier.
As much as people say it will not happen I still believe that people can be romantic at times no matter how unromantic they claimed to be. No surprises, no sweet nothing, unlike the one you saw in the MTV or movies, where the guy will caress my face, look into my eyes and say that he love me. So far in my many years of life, I have never seen that except when I am dreaming. Yes.. I am a dreamer. I always dream of my boyfriend to be a sweet and romantic guy who makes me feel special. One who will always try to surprise me with something, being very sweet. It happened that one and only time so far and we weren't even dating. Regret? Perhaps for I had let that one sweet guy go but he left the one and only memory that I will never ever forget. :)
So.. who says love is an easy job?
Life experiences changes people as what we saw in movies and it changes people either for the better or worse. Depending on how one wants it to be, to behave, to think.
Sometimes I wish that my life is like a game where I can just restart when life gets me down, when I made a wrong choice. Maybe that is why some would just try to end their life so that they don't have to face it any more. I used to think of that too, when life gets to a very low point to the extend that I really do not feel like living any more. That life is very meaningless. Why life doesn't go my way. Why my life sucks as compared to my friends? Why isn't my life like this but like that? So many why but no answers to it. That I feel that the world is a better place without me, that my presence doesn't really have any significant impact on my friends' and the people around. I will be forgotten anyway, move on and life goes on. That I will stop hurting the people around me or maybe in a relationship, I will stop hurting the ones who loved me and will love me in future. I had even considered which is the best way to ensure a 100% death. Not being hit by a car because that will cause the driver to have a nightmare. Not by jumping down from a tall building for I may hit someone and causes them hurt or I may survive the fall and be in coma, etc or someone may see my smashed up body and have a phobia after.
So.. why am I still here suffering? Making myself miserable where I just be selfish and do things my own way.
I guess I just woke up and think that it is stupid to feel that way. I am given this life for a reason and it is up to me to make it better or worse. Maybe that is why people remember me as someone who is very cheerful, very jumpy (happily jumping instead of walking), always carries a smile on my face. That is what I've been told. And when I had a lousy week or when something happened that caused me to smile less, they would asked where is Anna? What happened to me? Why do I look so sad? Why do I look miserable? Why am I not smiling? Names I have been given - Sunshine, Sun, Sunflower, etc. Things that shine and makes people bask in it happily. Why not? :)
That also caught some attention from the opposite gender too. Haha. I'm not shy to say this!
So, I was sitting in my friend's car one night when he asked me, what happened to me? I was like "Huh? What do you mean?"
He said I looked rather unhappy, lose that shine and where did it go?
I don't know how to reply and asked whether did I change?
He said yes.
He asked where is the optimistic and always smiling, cheerful me?
And he asked me to find it back fast.
So I am trying to find myself back again. Where is that Anna people used to know? Maybe I just keep thinking of the bad things that set me down that I had lost myself.
I must make myself a promise and keep to it until the end of this year. That will be 1 goal I had made myself and 1 promise to fulfil this year.
And that conversation came from a friend whom I have not meet for at least 3 years?
So,
Why give up on things easily without fighting for it?
Is it that they are not worth fighting for? Not worth keeping?
How do you know that the next person will treat it well? You can never predict it.
One friend gave me a small push. She said why give it away so easily when it belongs to her. She fought for it, got it, kept it and still with her now. :)
Anyway, until I have exhaust myself then I will let go. If I am one to let go so easily in pursuit of my own happiness, I would have done so 4 months back instead of sticking around, putting in to much effort to keep it alive, to make it grow and believing in it.
I am not a ball and no one has the right to push me to another player just because he is a better player. If you sucks, why not improve instead of having one regret in life when you give up? Regret.. so what huh? Just regret and move on. Yah, and think about it for it will stick out forever.
I had a lot of regrets in life and I used to think of it quite often. That I should do this, do that and maybe things will turn out differently. Regrets followed me since I was 16. However I had stopped thinking about some, although I will still be reminded of it.
So what if we have been hurt?
We can learn to love again.
If one doesn't give a second chance, who will?
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