Wrote him a long email telling him how I felt (partially) the night before and he could still asked me why was I acting strange that night? Told him it was in the email already. He had read it and whether was there anything he wants to address to? Which he said no. Wow.. wrote such a long email and he doesn't has any concerns or anything in mind? I mean, if I am the one reading it, it will address them paragraph by paragraph, or line by line if I have to. Now... Does this mean something about our difference in thinking? Frankly speaking, I was very skeptical when I was typing that mail. I kind of knew that something like that would happen. And sometimes I feel that I would actually get out more from him if we were messaging instead of talking face to face. Am I expecting too much from him? He still can say that I'm very close to some of my guy friends. Told him that it is the same for him too. He has close female friends too. And I don't put photos taken with them up, plus the one with the ex-girlfriend turned good friend. I don't do that. Oh well, in my email to him, I said to think of my feelings before he do something.... I guess actions speaks louder than words. He can comment that I wrote such a long email to him. Asked if he read it, he said yes but it was too long that he can't possibly remember. I can if he wrote something like that to me, telling me what's on his mind. And when he was reading it out loud, there wasn't any hint of seriousness behind it.
And is just learned something about him. He would just search and add that person in his facebook after maybe talking to them. Like it can be worked in the same roadshow, one day training, etc. Ok.. maybe I'm overreacting on that for personally I felt that it is quite pointless to add someone whom you are not close with (as in really working together, keeping in contact with) in your fb. Maybe he is just being sociable. Maybe it is just nothing. I don't know. But doing that and giving number to someone and messaging that someone whom I just met, isn't that the same? For messaging can be done over fb anyway. So it is alright for me to give my number or ask for their number too right? I mean since he may be doing that anyway.
I just don't feel secure with him now. Trust is there but it is not strong.
I was trying to absorb that and again acted strangely for which he asked what's wrong? I really want to tell him but I'd decided not to because the result may be the same - not thinking of anything. Or he will just keep quiet. Or he will say that searching and adding someone in fb is not the same as giving my number when someone asked for it. Anyway I knew that he will sleep through it even though he did not find out anything and I'd learnt to just act normally so that he will not sense anything amiss.
Someone who had gone missing in his life is back again and contacted him. Ok. She messaged him on fb. Why don't he just reply her when I was looking at his same fb page? Why reply when I was looking away? Don't know lah.. maybe he don't want to be doing that when we are looking at his page. For I will most probably reply when he is looking so that he can see my reply. But I will not do that anymore.
I guess I am learning very slowly not to think too much. Don't care what he do - adding people he just met on fb; messaging his exes;etc. Guess it will come to a point where I will clam up, not telling him how I feel anymore. Because it will seem pointless. Maybe the important ones that require attention but otherwise... And I guess my heart is slowly closing up too while I keep things to myself.
I so wanted to just let him see this blog of mine but I guess, after reading so much, what is his next course of action? Maybe nothing. Maybe he will feel that I'm thinking too much, overreacting, spot on my grammar/spelling/vocabulary mistake. I do not want it come to that. And I think.. I will just keep this to myself.
What to name this post? I don't know.
I'd decided not to care about anything. That will mean one thing though and it is certainly not looking good.
And just thought of a name for this post.
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