Unhappiness Level 6 of 10

I think that level is pretty high.. which means I am a very unhappy person.

I am not sure why. Seemed like... nothing can make me happy nowadays.

Is it because of work? Or is it because of life? Or myself?

I don't know. Maybe I need to take a break. As in, go for a really long holiday.

I am planning something right now and I am really saving up for something good. And I am looking forward to it.

So, I should be happy right?

But I am still not!

Why?

Have I reached towards the degree where I am going to turn into a grumpy old woman?

Just imagine that. Wearing old woman clothes, waving my cane at little children who walks past me. lol (that's a small lol because the laughter has no sound).

Do I have a high expectation of myself?

Of my partner in a relationship?

Of my life?

Expectation where I just cannot achieve hence it is making me unhappy?

Call it excuse, somehow, all these unhappiness is making me walking around aimlessly. And it is affecting my studies. I have lost all motivation to study. From day 1 until now, the time and effort put into my academic matters - 10%.
I used to look forward to school because I have friends there.
Now, I am alone in school. I need a study partner. Someone to study with me. Seriously.
Maybe I am just wasting money.
I did not even bother enrolling for the UK lectures, neither did I even try to study for my upcoming exams in May.
Hell, I don't even feel like taking the exams papers.

That sounds like, I am giving up huh.

Even my all time passion & favourite, video games. I am losing interest in them now. Time put in - 10% as well. I will picked up my controller and played the games for awhile and stopped while I can play them the whole day long.

A lot of people are telling me that I need a break from work and school.

I thought this year will be a better year for me.

Yet I was wrong.

I thought I can leave the past behind.

Yet, the past caught up with me.

I thought I could study better this year.

I did not study at all.

Maybe I should not even start this school and study shit.





During my two days MC due to sore throat, my back started to hurt a lot. That was the first.

The back hurt so much that it affected my right thigh.

Hurts so much that I couldn't sleep properly. My 2 days of rest became no rest at all.

Hurts so much when I was standing / sitting / walking / lying.

That I was thinking, Someone, please kill me. I don't want to go through this kind of shit.

Then, suddenly I was thinking.. I have nothing to lose.

I am just living my days, day by day. Just earning money to pay for bills only.






Seeing friends I love had changed. They found a partner they love. Some are getting married soon. Some, enjoying their partner's company. They are well taken care of.



Sigh.


Maybe my mood will be better after my holiday trip. One and only this year.

To think, two years back, I was on holiday tripS.

And 4 years back, I had the most memorable trip with my TP.

And 6 years back, I had my first and sponsored trip with Mr Tan to my first Gameshow.


Then last year, it was a year full of downs.

This year, another round of downs?




Maybe I just need to find myself again.

Sigh.




Sorry for the nonsensical ramblings.







I hope, life will get better. Full of happy things.

Where's unikitty when you need her?




Think I'm feeling demoralised now.

Sad?

Of what is going to happen next?



On one hand, I am looking forward to the completion of my new house.

On the other hand, I am not because I know what is going to happen next.