Unexpected surprise....

Well, I wanted to share all my ups and downs here but I realised some things are better left unsaid.

Like my post title, it is indeed. Good and bad in some way that I wish things are different so that I could perhaps change how it is going to turn out. So what I can do for now is to move on.

Anyway I'll be removing all 4 wisdom teeth at the same time, of which 2 requires surgery. I'd requested to undergo local anaesthesia and hope the aftermath won't be too painful. Thankfully B took leave and will be accompanying me to the NDC and will be sending me home. Basically he will be with me for that day. A lot of my friends said I shouldn't do that but I just do not wish to go through the pain again. I can't remember how it felt like when I removed two of my upper teeth for braces.


I'd a talk with a friend recently about trusting of partners as his case is more serious as compared to mine. I asked him whether is he able to build his trust on his gf and his reply was Yes he did and it was better than before. I wondered how did he do it and he said it takes a lot of time and don't think too much (J, if you're reading this). Somehow I thought of that and I felt calmer now and tried not to think too much whenever he's on the phone or whoever is messaging him. At times I still worry about him not telling if one of his ex-girlfriends message him but I guess I need to trust him to share when that happen.

Sometimes I'd wonder whether did he do/say this/that to his ex-girlfriends and all but I guess there's no point asking - not because he won't tell me but it pointless to know becuase what he used to do in the past are different from the present. :)

He's sweet and takes good care of me and I love him. :)
So yah, my trust is slowly building itself around him.

Paper thin trust

I realised that when I'm able to start trusting him, the trust will start to crumble faster than it is built. Although I know that he spends 90% of his time with me, what else can he do apart from flirting with others on phone right? The thing is, to flirt on phone means he has to be on the phone most of the time, which he is not. Sometimes it bothers me who is he messaging, sometimes not. Sometimes the actions he do bothers me, sometimes not. Like he would quickly close the page (be it facebook, messaging) when I was near. It could be coincidence, he was just spending time looking at fb while waiting for me and closing it when I'm done. I'm not sure.

Or when he is messaging or something, his screen will slant away from me, like not wanting me to see what is he typing but it could be because he is using one hand to type or what.

I love him but I can't trust him. And it is very difficult for me. I feel very xin ku. I don't know what's on his mind always. What is he thinking of. And if the trust can't be build, my love for him will fade.

I hope that whatever he do, he will think of my feelings first. That's what I'm trying to do now, putting his feelings before my actions. Trying to avoid all unnecessary trouble so that he would not think otherwise or be uncomfortable about it. I do not want to be doing the same actions as him just to make him realise it. Sigh.

Wisdom sucks!

Now I really can't wait for October 1st. That will be the day I'm going to remove all 4 of my wisdom teeth at once. Sounds kind of brave? Frankly speaking, I'm shaking inside when words from the dentist made themselves a permanent resident in my mind - nerves damaged, coma, etc. However, with the pain I'm feeling right now on my unborn tooth, to an extend where I cannot open my mouth fully, drools more frequently and ah, the pain... Here I am wishing that it is already my surgery day. Remove the unnecessary pain in one shot.

Maybe I ought to prepare a copy of my will although I'm not a 富婆 but I have some savings to tide my family through - just in case any of the listed (from the dentist) happened to me. *touch wood*

It's too late to apologise.

为什么人一定要有事情发生才会知道事情的严重性？一但事情发生之后，已经太迟了。没有办法挽救。

And instead of doing/saying something to make the person stay, that someone has to be even meaner. Doesn't he realise the seriousness of the outcome?

One tends to take things for granted and continues to be mean to another.

Of course the above doesn't apply to me.

Trust?

Now that I look at B, I feel that it's his ex-girlfriends loss to dump him, well except for those that he'd dumped. How can one just dump a guy who spends like 99% of his time with his girlfriend and during he tries to minimise his time on his phone texting his friends?

Of course, having said that. As much as I love him, adore him, I still can't bring myself to trust him even though I'd seen all the little things he had done. I'm not sure why... Maybe it is because I still cannot forget that night?

Funny is, I'm starting to see a future with him. One said, how can I love him if I can't trust him? I'm not sure myself.. Weird huh? I can't explain that either. I am not sure how do I make myself trust him.

I guess when the time is right, I'll let him know about this blog.

I don't know what to name this blog....

In Loving Memory

You know, I'd always thought my mom is in her late fifties until I decided to check up her age - she's 61 this year! I was quite shocked to find out her actual age because whenever we celebrate her birthday, it is just a cake with a candle but never mention her age at all. Neither did we go and find out her age. A wave of sadness - is that the word to describe the feeling in my heart upon the realisation of her age. Although it is not something I've not been doing but I need to do more for my mom. Time waits for no man.

And I was just browsing through B's laptop, I was reminded of him when I played this song - In Loving Memory. I believe it was fate which brought us to meet him for the last time. I guess even until now, I can't forget that moment and when I also can't forget what had happened. So yup, you are always missed, no matter where you are. Will fate bring us together again? Let us meet again? If we do, will I know or feel that, that person is you? It has been far too long, that I can't even find you online. You're being archived. But not in my heart.

Never forgotten. :)

自足就好

This is going to sound very contradictory to what I'd posted last night.

I just realised (took me long enough) that to even go meet B for a meal, to see him for just an hour is fulfilling enough. And there I was complaining about him smoking, I wasn't bothered by it today. Maybe seeing him, enjoying his company is far more important than other issues.

This relationship is definitely different. Indeed, it is more difficult to maintain, I'm still bothered by what is he doing with his phone, but I guess this feeling will pass with time. I do hope that he will not keep anything from me. For me, it is just this blog of mine. I'd made a bad move of telling Mr Tan about it and I'd to be really careful of what I post. This blog, is supposed to contain some of my inner thoughts. So this is the only secret I'm not letting him see. Maybe, I'll tell him later but not now. Maybe when we are more or less settled.

I'm a believer of fate. I believe that it's fate that brought us together. To let us meet. Mr Tan once made the bet, that he'll treat me if there's no guys courting me or show any interest in me in 3 months time. Indeed there isn't any until later.

I believe things happen for a reason. For what had happened to him, to me. If it did not, we won't have meet. I nearly was going to be transfer to another place, however I wasn't. If I'm to be transfer out, I won't have know B more, won't be talking to him, won't be seeing him, won't be with him. I told B that most prolly we are fated to meet. Why would I not meet him earlier or later? If it's earlier, we may not last this long. If later, we may have meet someone else.

Maybe I'd learnt from my past relationships. Maybe I'd indeed grow up. I'm different now. I think more in this relationship. Putting in efforts to make it work.

It's funny how I always will have something to think about whenever I was in the shower and my mind was blank this morning. Nothing came to my mind at all. Like I was back in peace again. And just earlier when I was in the shower, again, blank.

I hope we would have solve our differences by end of this year. :)

Turning a blind eye

Hmm, not really sure what to update now. Seems like my past posts were all about B. Then again, he plays a big part in my life now. I'm not bothered by it but I hope this feeling will last. :)

It is really tiring to be going through all these again and reading all my past posts, I guess I was just feeling frustrated when I typed those. Or perhaps, 我已经想通了. If I can have my close guy friends or to be communicating with them everyday, why not him? He has the right to have female friends too right? And he is not 12 years old, so why can't he has a history? Relationships? And if he is to be in contact with them..... Perhaps I don't really mind it at all when our relationship is matured enough.

We are together for just two months only. Still have a lot to understand and to discover about each other.

Anyway, I still don't understand why would he take up smoking again after he's with me. There was a time where he stopped smoking though of which one reason he gave was to save money. And now he just told me that he feel like smoking. I hope he knows what is he doing,as the body is his, health is his, life is his. I can't control him right? Furthermore, with his hereditary issue - AS, where his lung may be affected made it even worse. I worry for him. Issues such as drinking cold drinks even if it's plain water with ice, smoking and yes, his oral hygiene. I do not wish to overdo it - nag however I can't just turn a blind eye to it. If it comes to a time where I stop caring for him, it means that my love for him has most probably die off as well right?

For example, last night. I was just wondering why didn't he light up his stick only to find out that he had run out of cigs and the brand that he uses can't be found in some places. To think I thought he had decided to quit for good. And no, I did not ask him why did he not smoke. So yah, him mentioning that he had forgotten to buy/cant find the cigarettes was kind of disappointing... Till today, he was still mentioning about his lack of cigarettes, at least twice. I got quite irritated by it. I asked to go to the coffeeshop to check since we're nearby but he decided not to. Then I asked him to go to the 7-11 to check then since there're two nearby. He also chose not to, saying something like he don't go buy. If he wants to buy, go buy by all means. If he don't want to, then drop the idea of buying cigs today. He can buy it tomorrow and smoke all he wants. In the end he also drove over to 7-11 to buy when we needed to park the car at the other carpark. I knew that he's going to do that anyway. Talk about self-control. He just wants to smoke. Want to smoke and feel like smoking are the same. It's an addiction.
That's also one of the few things on my dislike list.
- smoking
- gambling
- don't know how to drink and still wanna drink and get drunk.
I know it's not against the law but we are talking about health this round. If he want to be with me for long, shouldn't the first thing he ought to take care of is his health and not me? How can he take care of me if his health is in a bad condition? He said that he had reduced his intake but, to me, it still seems a lot. Like smoking 2 cigarettes in an hour's time is reduced?
Not sure whether was it because he's still young now and do not see the need/hurry to be worry about such things. Maybe I don't understand and don't see it in the smoker's point of view.
Does it mean once a smoker always a smoker? Will stop only when something important happened in their lives? Such as a failing lung, signs of cancer, birth of a child, etc? Why can't they stop for the sake of their health or their pocket or both?
He hates gambling because of some issues. I hate smoking because of health issues. So, if the person went back to gambling at least once a day, isn't it similar to a person smoking at least once a day? Not sure if it makes sense to you.
It will come to a day where I'll just turn a blind eye to some things. And I'm not sure and may not like what may follow after that.
I do not want to force him to stop smoking - not out of his own will. For I do not want him to feel so desperate to smoke when he's not with me because he's forced to stop smoking.
Kind of some dilemma. We'll just see where it goes.
But I'm definitely trying to control myself not to over nag at him. Not just the smoking issue. So maybe I'll just turn a blind eye to it.
And he's definitely not the social smoker he claimed to be - smoking when clubbing only.
It's funny how on top I'd mentioned that I'm not bothered by what he do. I'm still bothered by it. Like who is he messaging, vice versa. I still tell myself that I should trust him and what he's doing is the same as me, just normal communication with friends on a daily basis. It's still hard you know? My instinct still tells me that there are things he's not sharing. Maybe like the last time, he feels that it's of no importance.
Times when I decided to stop thinking about the future and just what the present holds. However, by not thinking about the future, we'll have no goals to look forward to, to work for right?
Not sure whether should I let him stay over. At least when he's not with me, I won't know and won't think about who's that messaging him as compared to when he's with me. Because I don't know.
Oh well, he'd promised me that he'll take care of his health and himself. So, we'll just see. (That sounds so familiar.)
Ps: now that he's smoking on a regular basis, there's an odour when we kiss. Not sure how long till I feel that I cannot take it anymore. It stinks. And I like my man's mouth to smell pleasant. Not the opposite. Next time his lips shall just meet my cheeks instead.