Unhappiness Level 6 of 10

I think that level is pretty high.. which means I am a very unhappy person.

I am not sure why. Seemed like... nothing can make me happy nowadays.

Is it because of work? Or is it because of life? Or myself?

I don't know. Maybe I need to take a break. As in, go for a really long holiday.

I am planning something right now and I am really saving up for something good. And I am looking forward to it.

So, I should be happy right?

But I am still not!

Why?

Have I reached towards the degree where I am going to turn into a grumpy old woman?

Just imagine that. Wearing old woman clothes, waving my cane at little children who walks past me. lol (that's a small lol because the laughter has no sound).

Do I have a high expectation of myself?

Of my partner in a relationship?

Of my life?

Expectation where I just cannot achieve hence it is making me unhappy?

Call it excuse, somehow, all these unhappiness is making me walking around aimlessly. And it is affecting my studies. I have lost all motivation to study. From day 1 until now, the time and effort put into my academic matters - 10%.
I used to look forward to school because I have friends there.
Now, I am alone in school. I need a study partner. Someone to study with me. Seriously.
Maybe I am just wasting money.
I did not even bother enrolling for the UK lectures, neither did I even try to study for my upcoming exams in May.
Hell, I don't even feel like taking the exams papers.

That sounds like, I am giving up huh.

Even my all time passion & favourite, video games. I am losing interest in them now. Time put in - 10% as well. I will picked up my controller and played the games for awhile and stopped while I can play them the whole day long.

A lot of people are telling me that I need a break from work and school.

I thought this year will be a better year for me.

Yet I was wrong.

I thought I can leave the past behind.

Yet, the past caught up with me.

I thought I could study better this year.

I did not study at all.

Maybe I should not even start this school and study shit.





During my two days MC due to sore throat, my back started to hurt a lot. That was the first.

The back hurt so much that it affected my right thigh.

Hurts so much that I couldn't sleep properly. My 2 days of rest became no rest at all.

Hurts so much when I was standing / sitting / walking / lying.

That I was thinking, Someone, please kill me. I don't want to go through this kind of shit.

Then, suddenly I was thinking.. I have nothing to lose.

I am just living my days, day by day. Just earning money to pay for bills only.






Seeing friends I love had changed. They found a partner they love. Some are getting married soon. Some, enjoying their partner's company. They are well taken care of.



Sigh.


Maybe my mood will be better after my holiday trip. One and only this year.

To think, two years back, I was on holiday tripS.

And 4 years back, I had the most memorable trip with my TP.

And 6 years back, I had my first and sponsored trip with Mr Tan to my first Gameshow.


Then last year, it was a year full of downs.

This year, another round of downs?




Maybe I just need to find myself again.

Sigh.




Sorry for the nonsensical ramblings.







I hope, life will get better. Full of happy things.

Where's unikitty when you need her?




Think I'm feeling demoralised now.

Sad?

Of what is going to happen next?



On one hand, I am looking forward to the completion of my new house.

On the other hand, I am not because I know what is going to happen next.

3am

It is 3:48am now and I can't sleep because of the many things that are running through my mind right now.

Old memories that were buried deep in the boxes were reopened and they felt as fresh as yesterday's.

So successful you're that it really made me hate doing quite a number of things.

Shopping with you. Especially at Zara and H&M (thank god I don't shop there except for once out of desperation to buy something).

Hated entering the Mitju Store in Ion, I guess maybe that's why I steered away from that store every time I walked past it with you. Just bad memories.

Don't really look forward to certain dates...

Maybe I need to get some fresh air outside.. Which I should just do it right now.

Arghhhhhh!!! My 2014 is supposed to be happier than 2013!!! Why does it feels like it's back to square one?????????

How much does one deserves?

I was just wondering, how many chances does one person deserves?
If they kept repeating the same mistake that can be hurtful be it emotionally or physically.

Do they deserved to be forgiven after repeated mistakes?

Do they deserve many second chances?

Or the forgiving one is being too naive to keep forgiving them and giving chances?

I have always thought that once the person was caught committing a mistake, a big one that is hurtful enough to hurt people around them, they will learn their lesson and stop making the same mistake.

Some I've seen had really changed, for the better. Some, no. Even after some changes in their lives, they still can continue making the same mistake after a period of time.

When the person keeps repeating the same thing over and over again, should they be left alone, given up on and let them be? Or do they still deserve another chance?

It is like, a gambler. Who lost his family. Or it gotten so bad that he had his fingers chopped off. Will he still give in to his craving and gamble again? Or will they learn their lessons and stopped gambling?

I used to think that, the gambler who lost his family and later was given a second chance, would stop gambling for good and starts appreciating his family who forgave him and welcome him back home. However, what if he returned to gambling after months of good behaviour? Or what if, he has been gambling (small) behind his family's back?

Using him/his/he is just a general term for man, human. So it can be applied to both man and woman.

Will his family forgive him again should he seek repentance?

Or they will leave him?

That's just one example.

How many more chances should they get, or forgiveness until they change for the better?

Or that is just impossible for that is just the way they are.

Just human nature?

Or it is just their character? Weak and giving in to temptations easily?

Or just like what it was said, "A leopard will never change its spots"?

Sometimes I wonder, how many more times can I forgive the same person who kept repeating the same mistakes.

How many more times till I felt tired and decides that it's over?

Should I have stick to my resolve and stand up against the person?

What if the person, who will just say anything just to make the person happy, keep their hopes high up and yet, still do it again?

How about if a person who has been lying for countless times that, you don't know when are they telling the truth?

Just like the boy who cried wolf.

How does one trust the person who kept lying?




Today, I was thinking about my decision made last night.. I wonder, whether did I do the right thing? Should I not get soft hearted? Should I just stay firm with my initial decision?

Let time tell huh.... time had told me a lot of things, showed me a lot of things.. which I used to blindly overlook.. however, this time. It is different.




Sometimes, when a person asked for a chance, a second or third chance.. and when things were going well, they made the same mistake again. And again. Yet again.

And when they were caught, they tried to make peace. Asking to be forgiven again.

It sure made one felt that, the person does not cherish what was given. Does not appreciate the chances.

Do they feel that, there was nothing wrong in what they were doing? Or they knew and still continue doing it anyway? Or to them, it was something minor. Nothing harmful that will take someone's life?

So, when the last chance was presented to them. They took it and seemed to make good on their word not to stray to the outer path.

And they did it again.



Another chance?

When they felt that what was happening to them was real, that they are really losing the people around them, they felt.. worried? And wanted another chance. Again.


Would they really make use of this chance to do good? Will they really change for the better? Will they really appreciate what was given and swore never to step out of line again??

I guess, no one can tell.

Only time can tell.

However, whatever trust that they had tried so hard to build... is gone.

Even if they try to rebuild it, even the smallest ounce of crack will still be there. That crack, will crumble easily by the touch of a feather.






Perhaps, if the person who has been so forgiving, should just walk away and never look back.