出殡的除夕

I had wanted to stay over (守夜）on Saturday however changed it to today, Sunday instead. Partly was because the cortège's (出殡) timing for his cremation was scheduled at 830am and the funeral services will start from 7am. I do not want to overslept and miss it instead.

Here I was accompanied with two of my nephews and we just tried to find things to do to keep ourselves awake and busy. Can't rely much on electronic devices because of the limited power source. 

Today when I first woke up, I really do not feel like doing anything. I do not feel like going to the funeral too. And as I sat on my bed and browsed through my Facebook, tears just started forming by itself. I guess it took me two days to register the reality. And today's ritual was by another group of monks and it was longer than usual... Which I am guessing was due to tomorrow and that made me even sadder. 

I told not many but a few close friends of mine about my grandpa's demise and I guess after a while, I just stopped telling the rest because the responses are the same and I do not blame them for it was from all different individuals. They care and are concern about me but I'm tired of telling them the same thing.

I do wish that there is someone beside me throughout the whole services. Someone to give me the needed supprt. Someone who will stay beside me in case of anything. Especially tomorrow. Just someone.

Anyway I know that comes tomorrow, as much as I would like to cry buckets.. I will still hold back my tears as much as possible. For I will try not to cry. For I will not show my grandpa how sadded I am.

I just wish that he will come to my dreams on the 7th day to say hi. 

R.I.P Yeye

Got a call from mei asking whether have I seen the message in my phone, which I replied with a no. Then she told me, yeye (my grandpa) had passed away. Barely had time to register the news, I could still be logical and asked her to call in work first thing tomorrow to apply for compassionate leave instead of reporting to work first. On my end, I'd dropped my boss a message informing her about mine. 

Yeye seemed to have difficulty breathing since yesterday and he's finally letting go today. Since two years and more, he had been in and out of the hospital for fever, lungs not functioning, fell on the floor, fainted, etc and he was always released from the hospital because he had gotten well. Although it was painful to see him not recognizing us and slowly he became bedridden and later no response from him after we greeted him every Chinese New Year and some other events when we will see him. I am selfish to say that I want him to continue living because I don't want to let him go yet. He is my remaining grandparent and I am not ready to let him go. He was strong and he had held on for so long. On the other hand, I also want him to leave peacefully like grandma and at least do not have to suffer anymore. 

So with the constant in-and-out of hospital and was still well, I kinda took it for granted every time my cousin informed us that grandpa was admitted to the hospital again, he will recover and be home again. 

I remembered my grandpa. I always remember seeing him in his workshop trying to fix something. He was a strong man for someone of his age. And when I tried talking to him, he would laugh at times, though I'm not sure at what. We were like the chicken and duck talk (a Chinese idiom 鸡同鸭讲: meaning two person not understanding each other. Usually used in language breakdown). He speaks Cantonese and I don't. So many dad have to translate for us always. 

I've tried learning Cantonese but I don't use it on a daily basis so I can't pick it up except for asking whether have he eaten, was it good, was he full, how are you. That's all but he seemed contented with these sentences.

He was a hardworking and was a honest man. He built his company himself and even due for retirement he still stayed on until he can't. Rest in peace yeye.