In Loving Memory of Ah Ma.. 24072015

And so, today is the last day of the wake.. which is one where I dread most. At least, even during her wake, I know she's still here. Her body, is still with us.. she's still with us. Even if it's her funeral we are holding, I would wish the funeral will go on forever.. that way, we don't have to bade her farewell for good. At least, to me, as long as the wake is still ongoing, it's not over yet.

For the good 5 days, I had managed to hold back my tears at the funeral.. where I was surrounded by my relatives.. but the moment I was back home, I was alone and my tears will flow automatically even when I wasn't thinking about it.

Today, was the worst. We had to sit beside her coffin, facing it and when the visitors gave their last respect to my ah ma, there's a band that will play a song in the background and that made it very hard to hold back my tears. I could control my tears when we were walking behind the van containing her coffin but when it came to us at the viewing room seeing the coffin moving towards the furnace, it was getting harder and harder to contain the tears... It was the final farewell... I know, ah gong and ah ma #1 are there waiting for her.. She'll be in good hands I know.. but it just hurts... that the news just came suddenly. From after her usual checkup at the clinic where the doctor gave the all pass to the part where she suddenly had her brain's artery burst after she left the clinic... to the part where the doctor at the hospital gave the green light that my ah ma can be discharged and my ah yi is confident enough to take care of her needs to doctor saying her oxygen level is very low and asked us to visit her.... which minutes later, she was declared dead. There I was given the hope that she will recover when the doctor announced that she could be discharged only to have the bad news slammed upon me. These happened within 3 weeks.. I wished I had made time to visit her more frequently at the hospital instead of assuming that things are going well.

For the past few days, I looked at my aunts and uncles... and I really wished that they do not have to grow old or pass away... I do not wish to send them off due to old age or any other matters. I just wish that we could all live and be as what it is now. First generation was quite crowded because of the many siblings they have.. and when it was the second generation, it was down to 0 - 4 kids.. of the 11 siblings, about 2 did not get married and the 3rd's children do not really join us for all events like CNY except recently. So for the third generation, there are like 0 - 3 kids and of the 20 grandchildren (estimated), only 5 of them have about 2 - 3 kids.

First Generation - Children of Ah Ma #1 & 2, who are my aunts and uncles too.

Second Generation - Us, grandchildren of Ah Ma..

Third Generation - Our nieces & nephews.. Great Grandchildren of Ah Ma.

So you can see, the numbers are getting smaller and smaller, which maybe to the point where when it's my funeral, you wouldn't be needing 2 double deckers to ferry the family + Relatives to the cremation site.

Because of this, I'm going to start planning activities where we wouldn't be seeing each other once a year for CNY only for both my paternal and maternal side. I want to keep both sides as close knitted as possible!

I will be making a Family Tree for both sides.. only thing is.. my maternal side is quite big.. so I'm thinking of ways on fitting everyone inside.

Anyway, looking at it.. I guess it is her way of bringing us together again... Everyone meets up and spent time together like during CNY. Maybe she wants to bring us closer to each other... The past 5 days was like a mini gathering.

Rest in Peace Ah Ma... You had spent enough time with us.. Now it's time for you to spend some time with Ah Gong.

So just like that.. I'd lost all my grandparents from both sides..

So it came suddenly... BAM!

Today was suppose to be a happy day... My boss treated me lunch... But it wasn't... For I saw the message that said my ah ma oxygen level is very low.. And advised her kin to come and visit her at the hospital. The next thing I know.. They said ah ma had passed away.

I didn't shed tears on the spot... I wasn't feeling anything.. It was too sudden.. Although I knew she was in the hospital but things seemed to be picking up to the extend the doctor said she was ready to be discharged.. And my aunt could take care of her at home.. So I had the mindset that she was alright and recovering...

I wished that was a joke or I wished that message didn't exist.. But the arrangements for her funeral was already done. The site for her funeral was already decided. So it's true...

Throughout the day, I didn't feel any indifference. It's just like any normal day although the knowledge of her passing was stuck at the back of my mind...

Even till now as I was typing this message I wasn't bawling away but I know, once I see her body in the body.. I won't be able to stop my tears from flowing.

Rest in peace ah ma and I hope you'll meet ah gong in heaven. Next year CNY is going to be different without you. 

So far so good..... and bad.

So, updates!

Last day with current co will be on 15th! Well, about time I leave and try on something else. So after 8 years, this will be my greatest achievement so far. :)

I can't say my past 8 years have been in vain for I'd been with the company through thick and thin. Weathered through all highs and lows, learned a lot and I guess it is getting kind of stagnant for me. In the past, I was not very receptive to start all over again but I guess now that I've finally grow up, I am game to learn new things, expand my network (hopefully).

My 2015 birthday was pretty good. Celebrated with my family and friends. Booked a room at Ritz Carlton which was superb. My day was spoilt by a dim sum brunch at Paradise and that was a bad start of my day however RC turned it around and ended the rest of the day memorably. 

I was given a normal view initially however Kimberly at the front desk found out I was celebrating my birthday there (at Ritz Carlton), she gave me a free upgrade to the MBS view. (Yay!)

The view taken from my room. 

The first word that came out from our mouths were "WOW!".

The room, it's the normal suite I think was big! There's a sitting area and sleeping area so the room was quite spacious and not small. 

The toilet was the size of my room. That's kinda pathetic right? I got a little depress when I went back to my room and realized that fact and I could just visualize where the tub, basins, shower and toilet are located at. 

The wardrobe wasn't spared as well. It was like a mini walk-in wardrobe with plenty of drawers. I wished I was a tourist who was staying in this hotel for at least a week! I most probably won't step out of the room at all!

After all the shopping with my sisters and nephews, we called it a day. B and I returned to the room. From the walkway all the way back to the hotel, there were some hotel employees who would greet you regardless you are a guest of the hotel or not which I think was very... Nice? Man, this word doesn't do any justice to that I want to convey. There's no discrimination you know? You felt welcome by them. :)

Next time I know, there was a ring in my room and I wondered what could it be for we didn't order any room service. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with another surprise. Apparently Kimberly went to the extra mile and had a mini birthday cake sent up to my room along with some refreshers. No words could describe what I was feeling then. I was pleasantly surprised, I felt like crying with tears of joy. There was even a hand written card by Kimberly which I felt had a personal touch as it wasn't printed on electronically - that kind of generic template you know?

We enjoyed the cake, only a pity that it arrived a little too late otherwise I could share it with my sisters and nephews - that can't be helped too for they can't keep an eye on my in/out of the room. Soaking in the tub with a view just beside me was heavenly. I was reluctant to get out of the tub and I was unwilling to sleep early. I don't want the magical night to end. I don't want my night stay at Ritz Carlton to end.

The view that greeted me the next morning. Sigh. It was time to leave the place and I was practically dragging my legs out of the bed, I was literally hugging the door tight, not wanting to let go. 

Thanks Ritz Carlton and Kimberly for making my birthday celebration 2015 such a memorable one. This is one memory I would never ever erase. This is one feeling that will stay in my heart.

=====================================================================

Updates:

Just heard a piece of news that my ah ma had a critical brain artery burst, doing operation on her head was not advisable due to her age - she's 82 now and it may not be successful while will result in death. If opting out of operation, she may leave anytime as well hence her situation is quite bleak. We can only pray that it will stop bleeding and she will recover from it. Seeing her on the hospital bed was quite heartbreaking for me as she's my ah ma, the one who always give us money to buy candies when we were little kids, shield us from my mother when she's scolding her, let us play with the leftover flour in her factory (she and my ah gong used to make those noodles / wanton skins).

She can't talk to us nor open her eyes however she could move her leg and hand. I held her hand and her grip was tight. How long since I last held her hand?

I pray with all my heart that she will recover quickly.