In Loving Memory of Ah Ma.. 24072015

And so, today is the last day of the wake.. which is one where I dread most. At least, even during her wake, I know she's still here. Her body, is still with us.. she's still with us. Even if it's her funeral we are holding, I would wish the funeral will go on forever.. that way, we don't have to bade her farewell for good. At least, to me, as long as the wake is still ongoing, it's not over yet.

For the good 5 days, I had managed to hold back my tears at the funeral.. where I was surrounded by my relatives.. but the moment I was back home, I was alone and my tears will flow automatically even when I wasn't thinking about it.

Today, was the worst. We had to sit beside her coffin, facing it and when the visitors gave their last respect to my ah ma, there's a band that will play a song in the background and that made it very hard to hold back my tears. I could control my tears when we were walking behind the van containing her coffin but when it came to us at the viewing room seeing the coffin moving towards the furnace, it was getting harder and harder to contain the tears... It was the final farewell... I know, ah gong and ah ma #1 are there waiting for her.. She'll be in good hands I know.. but it just hurts... that the news just came suddenly. From after her usual checkup at the clinic where the doctor gave the all pass to the part where she suddenly had her brain's artery burst after she left the clinic... to the part where the doctor at the hospital gave the green light that my ah ma can be discharged and my ah yi is confident enough to take care of her needs to doctor saying her oxygen level is very low and asked us to visit her.... which minutes later, she was declared dead. There I was given the hope that she will recover when the doctor announced that she could be discharged only to have the bad news slammed upon me. These happened within 3 weeks.. I wished I had made time to visit her more frequently at the hospital instead of assuming that things are going well.

For the past few days, I looked at my aunts and uncles... and I really wished that they do not have to grow old or pass away... I do not wish to send them off due to old age or any other matters. I just wish that we could all live and be as what it is now. First generation was quite crowded because of the many siblings they have.. and when it was the second generation, it was down to 0 - 4 kids.. of the 11 siblings, about 2 did not get married and the 3rd's children do not really join us for all events like CNY except recently. So for the third generation, there are like 0 - 3 kids and of the 20 grandchildren (estimated), only 5 of them have about 2 - 3 kids.

First Generation - Children of Ah Ma #1 & 2, who are my aunts and uncles too.

Second Generation - Us, grandchildren of Ah Ma..

Third Generation - Our nieces & nephews.. Great Grandchildren of Ah Ma.

So you can see, the numbers are getting smaller and smaller, which maybe to the point where when it's my funeral, you wouldn't be needing 2 double deckers to ferry the family + Relatives to the cremation site.

Because of this, I'm going to start planning activities where we wouldn't be seeing each other once a year for CNY only for both my paternal and maternal side. I want to keep both sides as close knitted as possible!

I will be making a Family Tree for both sides.. only thing is.. my maternal side is quite big.. so I'm thinking of ways on fitting everyone inside.

Anyway, looking at it.. I guess it is her way of bringing us together again... Everyone meets up and spent time together like during CNY. Maybe she wants to bring us closer to each other... The past 5 days was like a mini gathering.

Rest in Peace Ah Ma... You had spent enough time with us.. Now it's time for you to spend some time with Ah Gong.

So just like that.. I'd lost all my grandparents from both sides..