Sometimes the feeling just keeps getting stronger and stronger every passing day. We've quarreling almost everyday. There are times when it was really fun but times when it is not.
I would wonder, is it a mistake? That is another reason why I do not wish to make my relationship known.... Because it is still in its early stage and anything may happen anytime.
We are just so different. If current situation is like this, what can we look for in the future?
I was and am quite bothered by some people, even close friends who kept mentioning about his age and sometimes I wish I could just keep it low tone. Why do I still let it out when I'm bothered by it? I guess I just don't want to keep mum about it and I don't feel good about denying his existence? Anyhow, it is my choice to be with him and I guess I just have to learn to ignore all the gossip mongers with time.
A close friend just called and was itching to talk about my new beau.. And was saying how his girlfriend saw his picture and commented he was very young looking. And he was asking why did I pick such a young man to be my partner? And it was all weird and stuff and said that he did mind about his partner's age initially... I mean, if you understand how I felt and went through the same process, shouldn't you not ask those questions that normal people would ask? Or just keep your comments to yourself?
I hate it when they said things like 'where's your boy boy?'. Huh? What boy boy? Why use these stupid terms for a partner? Why not ask 'where's your girl girl?'. Doesn't it sound stupid? Why not just ask where's your boyfriend? Your xxxxx or your partner? And why must say something like 'I'd better not talk to you for long and let you talk to your boy 2x on the phone otherwise he'll wonder where have you been.' Huh? You think we don't communicate? You think we must talk on the phone for long?
And I'd attended my company's annual dinner and dance. I was contemplating whether should I keep a distance from him or just be the way we are. I'd decided on the latter. A friend from another table came over to ask me. I believe the people on his table were already speculating about us. So I just acknowledged his question. The look on his face was disbelieve. I just ignore that. He asked the same question 3 times for reassurance. Got the same answer and returned to his table and shared it with the rest. Wow... That was faster than email or whatsapp. The whole table turned over and some I knew was genuinely happy and others could be judging me already. And soon, it spread to the rest of the tables like wildfire. Fast. Faster than Flash could run.
Perhaps letting it know to everyone is a mistake or maybe I shouldn't really care what people said or how they think as long as I'm happy and I like the way things are progressing between us.
Fuck them bitches!!
Everyone says I'm very expressive. Perhaps I am.. For when I text, I'll have either a smile, a frown or I'll mumble something to myself which the person beside me will hear. Sometimes I wonder whether is it a good thing...
At times, I'm so tempted to check out ALL his messages and see what were his conversations like - kinda he might as well leave his phone with me eh?
OR I'll stalk him at his twitters and facebook account to see what did he message or post.
OR I'll keep asking him what is he doing, or when he's typing something on his phone, I'll go check out what was he typing.
These sounds so stupid I know and it is very unusual of me wanting to do all these, or to even think about it! Maybe it is just the start. Perhaps it'll all die down as time goes by. For I do not like people checking my phone and all, much less for him to discover this blog. I used to let him just look over my shoulder and see what was I texting. Now, I don't. I'll either reply when I'm not with him or turned at an angle where he can't see what I'm typing. I'm sure he's not comfortable or willing to share his whole conversation he had with his friend. Funny thing is, I'm ok if he's looking at my conversation. In fact, sometimes I felt that I'd shared a bit too much information or too much details with him. Time to keep myself in check. Now is too early to tell. Wait for another few more months.
I'd proposed the idea of him moving in to my place which he agreed to it and that surprises me. I was expecting him to reject the idea strongly. And during my thinking time in the bathroom, I was thinking - is this a bad idea? Because my life will be exposed 100% to him and it is totally 99.99% no privacy nor secrets. So I'd decided to keep mum about the whole moving in issue. And he had said himself that if we're no longer together, he'll be at the losing end because he'll have to find a new place to rent a room. I was disappointed at first but during my thinking time in the bathroom? It was a good piece of news. I did not bring up that subject and one day, he began to say that he had so much clothes that my wardrobe will have no space for him. I was alarmed! Something that I'd kept mum about it.. Has he been thinking about this idea? Or it was just a random topic that was kind of dangerously close to the main subject.
When he told me that he had fallen for me and he is willing to take the step and give it a try. The exact same proposition I'd put up a week back and he'd rejected me, with the reason that he wasn't ready, there's someone he liked and was bringing up the "let's put a stop to this relationship" subject. I was so close to agreeing but decided not to due to some reasons. Partly was because I do not want to be a quitter and let it go so easily. Back to the main topic, I was there battling an internal war. After he'd rejected me, I regretted saying those words immediately and was actually glad that he'd rejected my idea. And he was in the process of understanding another girl he had know in school, liking her. 2 girls at the same time? Not something I'd feel secure and safe about. How ironic is... I'm accepted his proposal and am with him.
Was it too fast? Should I have just wait? Could he do the same thing next time? Although I know what had passed had passed, but I can't help wondering.
Just wait and see.....
Should I treat him as he is one who is an adult or not? How young is young? Maybe as young as 5 to 6years? 3 years shouldn't make a difference right? As the age gap isn't as far as 6, which is like doubled.
Or does it depends on what is he doing now? Like is he still studying? Working? If he is working, what is he working as? Does these affect the way he thinks? Does what he wants in life, his goals and all affect his maturity level as well? Most prolly at the start, it was the honeymoon period and as that sweet moments wear off, it'll be time to face the test, whether does he do currently affects you?
Sometimes I wonder is it me who can't maintain a decent relationship? Is it that I gets bored easily that no matter what my partner tries (so hard) to do or what it takes to keep the relationship going, I just won't get surprised or happy or even pleased by it? And in fact I just wish he didn't do that? And in my mind, I'll just keep thinking what would I do or how would I feel if we are to break up? Perhaps this is an unhealthy thinking and I shouldn't even think about give up?
I'd also wonder whether should I just give it all or keep some and not give it all so not to hurt myself in case my partner decides to break up with me for some other reasons. Which is more hurting? Partner breaking up because he'd fallen for another person (I still can't understand how that works because I know that I will not due to the fact that I have a boyfriend and won't even entertain some other guys.); he is being post overseas to work (don't think it is that bad because I can even go over with him right? Hah); he do not have any feelings for you anymore(ouchie); the relationship is going nowhere (maybe he wants to settle down or whatever - but, if you move on to the next stage, after moving on which is the marriage part, isn't it the same as still being together but not married? No kids involved by the way.). That's about what I could think of.. I guess the most hurtful is he falling for another person because he is actually entertaining a NEW girl (doesn't matter if is a friend turn romance or just met a new friend) while he is still with you. That's the WORST and I guess he can be called a BASTARD!! If he wants to flirt around just because the relationship is getting dull, shouldn't he either call the relationship off instead of pulling and wasting the girl's time? Or use the time and energy to try improving the current relationship?
Perhaps being with a younger guy will make me feel insecure? Or will he feel the same? How not to feel suspicious of his every actions? Although he will give the word that I'm the one and only? How to know what's on his mind if constant questioning will seem like over possessive? Or his actions plays a part?
I guess the last thing I'll want him to know is my blog. Why? Maybe I don't want him to know too much about me? I was contemplating about opening a twitter account however I feel that there's no need for it. Fb is enough and my blog, I guess is where I'll try to pour out most of my inner thoughts and feelings.
