A matter of Trust

After the shattering of the trust built, it is rebuilding again slowly. I guess I just have to trust him again since I love him ya? As long as he don't do anything behind my back.

Perhaps I should just look at the little details instead of the big picture. What he's done to make me feel secure and to trust him.

Still learning a little bit of him everyday. Things I may have to digest to get use to it. Such as it's a norm for him to stay over at his close friend's place (is a girl) with the rest of the friends of course.

To think of it now, it's no big deal but I'd appreciate it if he could discuss the matter with me since he's not single but is in a relationship with me.

Not really sure why, I'm an open minded person and usually such a thing won't bother me except for this current relationship where it did initially but that feeling left as it came.

And ever since he's with me, he's back to smoking again. He'd stopped for some time but I'm not sure why he smoke again and I don't really let it bother me. As long as he knows the limit. Smoke is bad for health you know? But I'd noticed that he's like smoking quite a lot last night. In less than 2hrs time, he's been smoking at least 3 sticks, not considering the fact that he may be smoking while walking from the train station to his home. I did voice out, hope he know what he's doing.

Supposed to have a friend to accompany me to James' bday party at MBS. He just keeps putting the time off, from our original time 6pm to 7pm to 7.45pm. It's quite obvious that he doesn't seem interested going. I mean, if he's uncomfortable about attending my friend's bday party, he should have told me earlier right? Instead of agreeing to go with me and ended up perform this kind of stunt.

And B is another one. Asked him to go with me after his vball since his is not a whole day event. But he there telling me that it'll be kinda rush for he needs to pass the car to his mom. And won't be staying over at my place because it's too last minute. I mean, time can be managed no? In the end he ended early and wants to see me badly and asked to stay over. =.="

Curiosity indeed kills the cat

I was checking out twitter and everyone's accounts including his. Saw a profile whom I thought was his sister's because of the profile photo - it was taken with his nephew. Saw a reply and realised I was wrong. It belongs to his ex girlfriend. I wish I did not let him see my twitter account. I wish I did not let my curiosity get the better of me and check out her tweets.

Everyone has their past which I understand. How is it I don't feel that sense of security from him? Why is it that I can get more response from him via whatsapp and not when we're talking be it through phone or face to face?

At times I wish I could reach the 'I don't care what you do' stage, but when it comes to that, it spelt 'its over' right? For putting your feelings into consideration over my actions, why aren't you doing the same?

Thank you

@Gan di - thanks for your message. All the way from Australia leh!! Can't be helped but I guess it takes time. We shall see for I used to have dreams and now, I dare not step in through that door.

@J - thanks for your comment. :)
As much as I hate gossips but I am starting to regret making it public. Perhaps I should just keep it low tone until I'm sure we are stable.



Now I pray silently and almost everyday that he will not discover my blog otherwise I'll have to make it private. Which I hope will not come to it.

Women's instinct...

I regretted that incident had to happen. If it did not, these would NOT have happen. And perhaps, I'll be one very happier person?

We have no similar interest, does that matter?

We don't talk like how I'd talk to my friends, covering topics or talking about just anything. Quite bad eh?

My instinct is still there, that feeling.

And the feeling to just end it all is quite as strong as well. Should I just end it all so that I'll be free?

Now the song from Lar'c En Ciel is playing, lifted my spirit up a little.
And after I'm done with his phones, he took mine. Which I'm fine with it for there's nothing I've to hide except for this blog post which I'd saved as a draft and was quite worried that he'll open my mail to take a look. I know, as much as I demand 100% honesty from him but this blog.. Is very much my soul saver. Which I don't think he deserves to see. Now when he saw me typing for a long time on my phone, I'd tell him that it is my diary - which it is indeed! He saw my twitter account and I do hope that he'll not add me in it. For twitter is my micro soul saver, when I do not wish to type such lengthy post but a short one..... He saw my past posts on twitter and some of which, was on my mind but not worth mentioning.
We shall see how it goes. Maybe it is too early to make a decision. I gave myself until October to see how things goes. Maybe it is too early to make our relationship known too. Should have kept it under wrap. He did not post much about us anyway like I did when we have dinner together or when he bought drinks.

I think this is the most painful relationship I've ever been in and at times, I found myself wondering, that why am I able to put my 100% trust on Mr Tan, why did I not feel insecure with him and why things are smoother with him. Why didn't things work out. Why didn't we try again. Then again, no point crying over spilled milk. But I'll still think of it now and then. And find myself, my feelings towards B (yes, his initials) drifting away, everyday.
Can I just have a man whom I can trust with no room of insecurity? Whom I know I can place 100% of my feelings in and will get the same returns no matter how long are we together? One who will treat me right and not flare up that easily no matter how silly I get. Whom I can speak my mind with and still get a response? Whom I can cover all topics from games to the weather to home affairs to world news? Or even to general knowledge? Where we will have a lot of things to talk about no matter what. How about one whom I feel that he can be my best friend, my lover and someone I can lean on? Someone who is not superficial?

Am I missing something?

Sometimes I feel that feeling again.. They said, women's instinct is the most accurate one. Which always do for me - like my BB9700 which got stolen all because I do not listen to my very strong internal warning bell.

The feeling that I'm getting is very strong.. And I wonder, whether is it too early to put my whole heart into it? Maybe I should hold back, put in little by little and see how it goes. At least I won't be hurt that much this way right?

As much as he said that he harbours no secret, my heart begs to differ. He may say a lot of things that may sounds like what he want now however they may change in time. Maybe now is too early to say for it's just a month plus. I have two months to slowly monitor and see how and where is this relationship progressing.

Hope he's not just an ordinary actor but a genuine one.

Wonder what I saw earlier, was my eyes playing tricks on me or indeed it happened?

The urge to look at the devices are getting stronger. Guess I just need some reassurance. That'll be a breach of privacy? Although he had mentioned that he has nothing to hide and does not fear me going through his personal items.