Regrets

Sigh, my sore throat just returned... And accompanied by flu (sneezed so many times for the first time yesterday) but luckily no running nose, just slightly blocked. And I'm guessing I'm having a slight fever because my back is aching.

Sometimes when a fight happens be it with friends, partner or family, if you have already said mean things to the person, it is too late to apologise. It is like slicing off a piece of the person's skin, of course it hurts a lot but the person apologise. Apology accepted but you'd and will still feel the pain. And will be reminded of it. Once it has healed, the cycle repeated itself. Throughout the course of hurting the other person, they have a lot of scars on them. What's the next step of action then? The person couldn't keep forgiving you right? And if the person who hurt you is your family member or partner, how are you able to walk away from them?

I just want need the person to listen to me. And not just listen but to acknowledge it and maybe put it into use if it sounds logical. If I'd said something and the person asked me a question or my opinion when I've already voiced out before, doesn't it means something? You're not listening or perhaps did not even bother to take some considerations on what I'd said. Now I understand the frustrations Mr Tan felt when he was with me for not only I did not listen but I put my friends' words before his. Perhaps if I'd listen to him in the first place, I could be doing something that I like by now.

Like they say, in deaf ears? Or was it 讲不听？

A friend asked me "so he is the one?" When we were talking. I started thinking, is he? I think this topic came up a few times in my post but until now, I do not know how does one define the person as 'the one'?

Maybe I should just take things slow and let nature takes it's course.

@J - I'm trying but the words she said did affect me to a certain extent. But I know I mold my future. :)

Time for a change

I went to 'suan ming' today. As mentioned by friends, the lady was really.. good! She could tell everything, like my life when I was young until now. And she was telling me about the future. Of course I know that the future cannot be foreseen because it may change anytime however it will act as a guide so that I can try to advert any kind of trouble or try to improve my life.


She mentioned that I need to have confidence in myself and be more thick skin, be able to take in rejections and pick myself up again. These kind of reminded me of Mr Tan. He was always telling me the same thing. Have confidence, be thick skin and ask. Seemed like he knew that's what I need to do, to be in order to succeed. It is a pity I did not take his words seriously for if I had, I may have achieve something today.

She then said that in one point of my marriage, my husband will have an affair. (SIAN.) And immediately I told myself that I do not want to get married so that I can avoid this incident. She said that I need to bear with his infidelity for 5 years, the affair will end and it will be all good. Unless they have a kid. I was thinking that no way will I bear with this affair for 5 frikking LONG years! If I find out that bastard has cheated on me, I'll leave him immediately even if we are married. I really can't bear to think that I have to stand aside and watch him enjoy himself with another woman. I really wish that it will not happen. Maybe that is also the reason why I do not wish to get married, so that I will not be hurt in such a way. Or I'd rather I be the one who MAY have an affair instead of the guy. I mean, I know myself. B said that people may change. I know that I will not but since he said that, I wonder, if he really ends up being my husband, will he have an affair? I mean he like to be talking to people, he do not like to be alone.

Sometimes I wonder, whether is it a good idea to go suan ming. I mean, sometimes it is better to be ignorant of the future than to have the information passed on to you and there I will be thinking of it constantly eventhough it is a long way to go and from "will not happen" becomes a "will happen" incident. However, with this knowledge, I can try ways to prevent it from happening right? Or I can do something about my future, my life. My future rest on my hand for I am the one to control my life. I just pray and hope that it will not happen. Sigh.

Met up with B's friend to check on the insurance policies available for B. I was really glad that he asked me along because I learnt a lot today about financial planning. I told B that I wish I had know her earlier, maybe I will have some savings on hand right now. We had decided to calculate our on hand finances and realised that we need to have a lot of discipline to save up money instead of spending them unnecessarily. It is quite worrying and a headache to know that I do not the amount I should have saved up by now. Sigh.

Bet Bryan heaved a big sigh after he learnt that I did not save up that much based on the number of years I'd worked. :(

It is not to late to start saving but I really need to manage my money properly. Less spending, more saving.

So for those who are reading this, if you have not do up any saving plans, please do so now. Haven't calculate your monthly expenses, etc? It is time to do something about your money now.

I will just work even if I'm sick

I was feeling my sore throat coming back this morning and I tried to work only to make it even worse. I was practically coughing away and I couldn't talk. So I went to see the company doctor, told him my problems (cough, phlegm, sore throat). Doctor asked whether do I have any running nose to which I said no. He asked any fever, I wasn't sure because I did not take my temperature at work - there's no thermometer. Then he prescribed some medications for my throat and said that's all. So I asked whether will I be on medical leave? He said no, as a matter of fact. I was flabbergast. I mean, come on, you know my symptoms and no issue me any leaves to rest at home? Do you think I can continue working with my current situation? I mean, some doctors will ask what's my nature of work and will issue if they feel it necessary right?

Me: Will I be on any medical leave?

Doc: Why would you be on ML?

Me: *huh?* Because of my sore throat? Don't I need to rest?

Me: I need to talk a lot at work. Or do you think I can get well by today after taking your medications so that I can return to work tomorrow?

Doc: No.. I can't be sure that you'll get well by then.

Doc: *quite reluctantly* Alright, I'll issue you a half day leave today.

Me: I don't need a half day leave today. I need it for tomorrow.

Doc: You can work today and not tomorrow. That's not good isn't it?

Me: I'm on a half day leave today.

Isn't that ridiculous? The doctor who is so unwilling to issue me a medical certificate. Or does he want me to return to his clinic again tomorrow and get my ML? That is a waste of time right?

I thought I was able to attend tonight's lecture - Econs. Halfway to school, I was fighting hard to control my irrepressible coughing and I felt really tired. I had decided to skip tonight's lecture and went home.

Anyway I went to buy my second round of luo han guo and this time I drank it religiously. Throat is a lot better now and I don't cough that much. Hope my throat will feel better by tomorrow. I missed eating fried chicken, fries, etc!! Of course having said that, I do feel healthier now that I've not been touching any of my favourite junk food. :)

Been raining almost everyday. People! Please take care of your health alright? Drink lots and lots of water!!

I don't want to hurt you

This morning we had an argument. I do not know what started it. It just happened like some fire spark. So anyway, until now I do not know what was I angry with BUT I know from that, it made me realised how much I'd missed him. Missed the cuddles, the closeness, everything!

I was thinking, what happened to the "Don't hurt him" and my resolve to not do the same as what he did - yi ya huan ya kind of behaviour? Why am I doing this? I knew that it is easier to just let him feel the same as I do, be hurt but I don't want that. I just have to keep reminding myself to treat him good for he's my precious.

Log on my fb and changed my profile photo to something that I love most. :)

2 months to end 2012, what have you done?

What matters is your opinion.

Sore throat is gone and what's left is dry cough which I seriously hate. Had a coughing fit in the middle of last night. Water only made the throat drier and I had forgotten about my lozenges. Luckily I bought those packet 罗汉果, quickly made those while I ran twice to the toilet to ease those coughing fits - sometimes made you want to vomit, and drank them. 3rd day now and it won't go away so soon, back to work tomorrow and I have to start talking again, how is my throat going to get well?

Anyway I was contemplating whether should I change my fb's profile picture to one taken with B. I was there thinking which photo to put and was so close on doing it once I'd decided on one. I did not in the end. Maybe not now. I don't know. I was just thinking of change my status as in a relationship with him which something I have not done before. I remembered him saying that he do not put his status as in a relationship because things might change. So I guess no point changing it right? As he said, I have the freedom of whose photo to put on my fb and it not necessarily be ours.

Oh well, I just saw something I wish I didn't see. Although it's in the past but something seeing it stings you know? Which I believe if he saw the same, he may feel the same. Like why do I still keep this, that. Can't really expect him to delete off everything for I too, have things of the past. Just sleep through it and forget about it.

Somehow when I was in the showers today, I was reminded of somebody, whom I guess until now still hate me for what I'd done to him.

You speak French? Japanese? Thai?

Now that B is playing some Thai songs, it kind of reminded me of the past. Where Mr Tan and I would always go to those Thai pubs/discos with either TT or AY and I would be real proud when he was able to start a conversation with the Thai girls when they approached him. His Thai wasn't very good but good enough to hold a conversation.

I always told him that he has the natural gift of learning foreign language. He was able to speak a little of Japanese, Thai, Korean and his main language was French. He could pick up language fast.

Hope he'll find a French woman so they could speak French to each other. Damn cool. Or one of those Japanese babes at his workplace.

2 months to the end of 2012

Been wanting to edit and upload my photos during the daytime BUT I was busy helping mom to take care of my baby nephew - he's 8 months old now (fast eh?) and we were practically looking after him the whole day that we had no time for ourselves.

The naughty boy

Anyway, here are some of the photos I'd managed to edit and upload. :)

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Annual D&D 2012

Thought I'd be missing this round as I was not in the mood to attend the D&D. The many friends whom I used to work with were no longer around and it was the same every year. This time it was at Marina Bay Convention Hall and since it was there, I was expecting better service and tastier food as compared to Raffles Convention Hall right since it was MBS. Apparently I was wrong, very wrong. Food was just so-so and I found a stray hair on my food. Service was very slow, refilling of our drinks were extremely slow. We had to ask them or to remind them for it. The waitresses were not very attentive to our table anyway. Seeing that we were seated with our glasses empty, they ought to ask what drink do we want. If we had asked for our choice of drink with some other waiters/waitresses, they can just acknowledge it and walk away right? NO, they saw our empty glasses and just walked away after taking order from one of our colleague. Huh? We had to really spot for a waiter/waitresses to help us fill our drinks and it was really hard, almost like playing "Where's Wally?". All in all, I still prefer our D&D to be held at Raffles. Or perhaps I had high expectations from MBS after watching how they were all talk about service and food quality on the Biography Channel.

I did not stay until the end like how I used to for the lucky draw. I did not win anything before and it makes no difference if I do now because of the prizes.

Anyway I'd blogged about my thoughts about the D&D night under Don't comment unnecessarily.

Took just some photos this round and did not visit other tables.

With Nilo, the handsome phinoy.

Leo who eats a lot and will NEVER gets fat and Pat, the pretty faced boy. lol

My favourite hot babe - Rea.

We left early and took a walk around Marina Bay Sands and took a photo outside Avalon. Did not go in though.

The Helix Bridge.

Night view looked really pretty isn't it?

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Just a day after, we had our bonding session at East Coast. Best thing about working in my current outlet is we have a fixed Sunday off which makes meet up and gathering easier to plan.

With "grandma". She did an internal transfer so that she can plan for a family and have more time for her family and husband.

Super tall guy. He's about 190cm. Crazy!

With people I like. :)

Vegetarian satay, tried it before?

BBQ time!! Yum yum!!

View of the East Coast beach. It has been so long since I last visited EC, used to have dinner and drinks at East Coast Lagoon when I was still staying at my old house. We would walk home after dinner then.

almost the end..

With TP. Now that she's waiting to start school next year, she has been travelling quite a lot. Sometimes I wish I could do that too. Just quit and stay home, meet up with friends and travel a bit. Did not start saving until recently. Perhaps I should meet her on my first day of work so that she could help me on my saving plan. Maybe she should work as a financial consultant and help people save money. Lol.

Love this picture. It was like we always managed to take sure natural poses. Hehe.

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It was planned some time before we could finally settle on a date for our steamboat and meet up session! My temps and I. This time with B because he was staying at my place - have not moved over officially yet that time.

Food we bought. The meat and the corn was yummy!! Nearly couldn't have our steamboat because there was a slight mishap earlier in the day when we were preparing the soup.

My two girls who are so nice to stay in school to accompany me during my lectures.

Pity we did not take a group photo before the boys leave.. So it was just the girls. :)

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Anyway I was scheduled to have my extraction done last Wednesday however I was down with sore throat on Monday. It gotten worse on Tuesday where I practically couldn't talk at all! Wednesday, I had some phlegm and the doctor decided not to go ahead with the operation. He was worried that it will lead to chest infection as he has to stick a tube down my throat to help me to breathe. O-M-G! Lol... so J, I'm actually thinking of extracting two first and the other two another time. B, my mom and friends were saying the same thing as you. Haha.

So I am on a two days MC and requested for leave tomorrow. Back to work on Saturday. Hope my throat will be better by then for I'm having some dry cough now. Sore throat is gone, phlegm is gone as well. That was the 3rd time I'm postponing my surgery.

2nd was last week's Monday, which I had to postpone due to a fever on Sunday night. It went up to 38 degree celsius but went down on Monday.

Sigh, and now I have no mood to go back to work. Once, I'd attended this lady where she was there on behalf of her husband. She was instructed to pick what she wants and all she had to do was to call him down to sign off the deal and he'll rush back to work. I wish I could be like that one day. Going down to some place and do my things and call B to come down and sign off whatever I want.

When he brought me to shop for a new case for my HTC phone and he paid for the case I'd picked and he even added a screen protector (I think it did not come along with the case). Pasted the film for me and put on the case for my phone. I felt very pampered and loved by him. :)

I do wish that on my two days of MC, he would be at home with me, to keep me company which will not happen because our workplace is short staffed right now. I do understand that for if it is the other way round, I will go to work too.

Anyway, his chu lian qing ren messaged him last night. I do appreciate that he made the effort of telling me who messaged him. She was asking whether does he owns any policies, which I'd been asking him to check with her about that - he was putting it off with the reason that he does not need it. Well, it is still better to have at least one policy to protect oneself right? Just need to check  how much it cost and which is the ideal policy to cover oneself with.

What bothered me was how he was keeping the phone close to his side and the constant checking of his phone when it did not notify him of incoming messages. Maybe that was how he would behave when he's waiting for some messages from important friends for that was not the first time he did that. And he did not tell me what continued. I mean, if the someone I used to like message me and I do the same, will he feel comfortable? I do hope that he'll ask me along when he's meeting her to discuss the policy details - not because I don't trust him or want to check on him but I would like to know what policy is she going to offer to him and he will consult me for my opinions too.

I'd cancelled my purchase order for the macbook because he said no point getting it now. I really want to get the macbook but guess I'll wait until end year and see whether will they be coming up with any new macbooks. I was quite surprised with myself because usually I will want to do things my own way and seldom will I take my partner's opinion into account. This time I did. Maybe even when it comes to getting individual stuffs, it is also "US" instead of "I".

However, he shouldn't say that I'm always messaging my guy friends and are too close to them because he too, always have female friends messaging him and most of them are his close friends. It's the same. He too message some guys, I too message girls as well. Just that his female friends are more as compared to my male friends. He too, used to like girls but did not have the chance to be with them due to rejection, I too, used to like someone but did not have the chance to be with him due to some problems. He could tell me that happened a long time ago, mine too, happened a long time ago. Feelings we had lost for the special someone and now we have eyes for each other only. I can try to ignore the fact that he lost weight for her, got rejected by her and now, they have become good friends, communicate and meet up at times. Maybe he should be able to look past mine too. Just that I did not lose weight for anybody, did not get rejected directly but we are still in contact occasionally.

If he is unable to do that, he should not think I have such big heart to overlook it all. At least I did not scream and shout and demand him to burn all photos with his exes, dump all items bought to him by his exes right? I am still a bit bothered by it but I just cast it aside for I'm taking his word for it - they meant nothing and are just things he liked, not the meaning behind the items he's using now.

I know he's trying to put in some effort to keep this relationship going, hope he will continue to do that. Like he said, not waiting for me to give some examples then he realised what he's missing out. I am too, trying to continue what I've been doing and to do more. Sometimes, it is easier to hurt the person than to keep giving way to the person. However, constant hurting of the person will also hurt the relationship and cause it to fail.

My love for B will grow more and not grow less. Unless I keep things to myself again and try to overlook things that are heavily bothering me. Keeping myself numb will only make my heart close up. I do not want B to be hurt again like what R did to him.

A relationship is really very difficult to maintain for it requires love, trust and commitment. With any lesser of these ingredient, it will bring down the relationship. Not just that, it also requires accommodating to one another and putting the other half's feelings into consideration before doing anything.

Funny thing is, from this relationship then I realised the importance and meaning behind the marriage vows. Being together as boyfriend/girlfriend is easy for it requires a certain level of commitment. However, it is easy to break apart with little or no commitment as well. Marriage is different. It requires a high degree of commitment as a couple are together legally. It is requires a lot of work to put a couple together legally but it also requires a lot of work for a couple to break apart legally. I found this vow and apart from the other half, who else to stay faithful, to take care of you and to love you? Friends will not be able to take care of you, comfort you for life for they have their own commitments. I guess one's love will be truly tested when the other half is down with a sickness or when facing some crisis.

Will you, _________________ take this woman/man ______________ to be your wedded wife/husband, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony? Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honour and keep her/him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others, be faithful to her/him, so long as you both shall live?

I remembered asking my friends why not change the wedding band as it was so scratched up. I was so oblivious of the meaning behind the wedding band.

Take this ring and put it upon the third finger of his/her left hand and repeat after me: In token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love, with this ring I marry you.

See, it's not just any ring. It is a seal of love and faith. Of a promise to be with that somebody, to be committed to that special one. You can't just change the ring because it is dirty or full of scratches.

I do wish that he will be faithful to just me and not to be tempted by all others. I on the other hand, will try to do the same too.

Sooooooo, 2 months to the end of 2012, what have you done?

Me? Still stucked with the same job.

Met B.

Started a relationship with B with much objections at first.

B moved in to my place.

So I guess, 2012 is all about him. Lol.

Hopefully get to extract my wisdom, at least 2!!