Stop.Hoping.For.So.Much

You said that I don't tell you what's on my mind and how I feel and you always have to read my blogs or drafts to find out.

Have you ever wonder why did I not tell you?

Because they were always the same?

Because if I bring it up, you will feel that I am picking a fight with you again?

Or just like you, I keep it to myself.

You knew that you're checking out girls Facebook and two of them were A and P. you won't like me doing that especially if one of them was whom I used to like and one whom I used to flirt with. Yet you can't stop doing that.

If I were to ask you again, you will feel frustrated and think that I'm trying to pick a fight again.

If you can't stop doing that, should I just open one eye and close one eye?

Ask yourself this, would you have like it yourself if I'm doing the following? (This is a repeated question.)

1. Me checking out other guys only.

2. Me send friend request after finding some eye candy.

3. Me message them the whole day even when I'm with you.

Sigh, or maybe I shouldn't even bother myself with all these.

Even if I try hard to stop you, as long as you do not want to be controlled, you will still keep doing it. What's the point of me always picking fight on these and make both of us tired?

Trust, I guess I just have to trust that you will only do the above and won't ask them out or they really mean nothing to you, as you said it.

It is a vicious cycle

Is this a test from God?

Why does he do these to me when he used to not do them?

Is it to see how long I can keep this relationship?

Every time we have a fight, a real fight or whenever he said to break up, I'd dug my roots further into the ground to hold strong, so that I will not topple easily. So that I will continue fighting.

However no matter how far in I'd dug, my trunks will weaken with every cut from the axe. As time goes by with more cuts than healing, I will break down eventually.

Until that, I hope the healing process will be faster than the hurt.

Hold on, tightly.

Yesterday we had a petty fight in the morning. It was because I would want to leave the house together with him and I had misjudged the time. So the whole thing just escalated from there. That I will admit is my fault for not calculating the time properly which will eventually caused him to be late for work should he wait up for me. However, he just said it again.

I thought through it and I guess I just decided to respect his decision and not let him be unhappy anymore. Anyway, it did not happen and we are still together!

From this, I realised that when it comes to a relationship, it takes not just communication and trust to keep it going but tolerance, acceptance and a lot of hard work to keep it afloat. Whenever a fight happens that made you unhappy, what would be the first thing that came to mind? Let's break up which is equivalent to giving up something that you are trying to build or maybe had built halfway. That seemed like an easy option though. However, the real challenge is how to keep it going, finding solutions to make things work.

I used to think that way too but I realised that it is just an easy way out. Not even putting in 101% of effort. Perhaps with age, one would find it tiring to just leave the train and hop onto another one. If the train breaks down, what do you do? Abandon it? No! Instead, work on it, make it work. Keep oiling it. Even if the train starts giving you problem, do you just cast it aside and get a new train? No! Upgrade the train so that it will work smoothly again!

And through this relationship, I also realised that fights can be categorised as petty fights and serious ones.

Petty ones are just small fights like who clean the house, being draggy, etc.

Major ones are affairs, flirting with people of the opposite gender, etc.

And accepting each other's faults like tempers, draggy, etc. These are something that can be tolerated.

Most importantly, think and consider your partner's feelings before you do something. How would you like it if it is happening on you instead?

I guess through this relationship with B and maybe with years of experience, he taught me a lot indirectly. I had slowly come to accept his bad temper. I had also noticed that he had tried putting in some effort to make me happy - like initiating the scramble game after it had expired (although it was a small gesture, I did notice it). A relationship is to appreciate the little things your partner had tried to do, even though sometimes it is naked to the eye. Sometimes it can be missed easily.

So thank you B. I'm glad I met you. I am happy with you even if we fights now and then.

To me, those fights are like the bellows that needs to be pump to keep the fire going. Being angry with you means I care and I bother getting angry and fight with you. If I don't, I couldn't be bothered by what you do right? I won't bother picking fights with you no matter how insignificant or small you think it is that is not worth starting a fight. Of course I'm not encouraging a couple to fight everyday. Haha.



Last night when we were packing our insurance policies into separate folders, I chanced upon a Swissotel receipt which I had stayed in 2007. That was my D&D 2007 night with people whom I was and am close with, people whom I love and are family to me!

However, it was booked by Mr Tan using his corporate discount and B wasn't too happy about it. He wanted me to throw it away and I did not want to because it held some good memories to me - that night was the night where I really sat with people whom I love, whom I had fun with and gave me fun memories.

After a few rounds of exchanging words, I relented and was going to throw it away. Then he stopped me and said he wants me to keep it. He is not going to force me to throw it away. He wants me to throw it away out of my own accord.

That got me thinking how I had accepted him still using the items that his exes had bought for him, I using the item his ex had bought for him. It used to bug me but now, I guess they had became a part of our lives where I had learned to live with it.

Just like the times when he was uploading the photos into his laptop and I saw albums containing photos of his ex-girlfriends. I just trust him to delete them permanently on his own accord, when he is ready to do so instead of pestering him.

Or maybe some photos in his phone where his ex-girlfriend took some photos with his nephew. Maybe when he looked at those photos, he wasn't looking at her but at his nephew. I would not know would I? I guess I just have to trust him on that. However, how would he feel if it is the other way round? Photos of my ex in my phone taken with my nephew.

Or the time when I saw the videos in his facebook and asked to see what was it about. There it was tagged with R, there were some comments there and it was filmed by her or by him and there was her voice too. Of course I felt jealous that why was he still keeping the videos taken with her? Or tag with her with comments added as well? I just left it at that because I guess he is just keeping the videos due to some memories. Like getting his hair cut really short for NS and using the coin machine for the first time. And he was not keeping it just because of memories with them, his exes. Would he have ask me to delete my videos if I have something similar to that as well?

So when he wanted me to throw the receipt away, I asked him, that is similar to asking me to delete photos taken with our exes (which he claimed to have clear them away - yet to verify haha), deleting ALL messages that we had once converse with our exes - be it in handphone, twitter, facebook (same thing, he claimed to have done that - yet to verify). Deleting their contacts in our phones and facebook as well. There, he paused for awhile and began to be defensive, saying that it was totally unrelated. If you do not want me to keep any memories of my exes, isn't keeping their contacts still consider as one? Seeing their facebook or number do contain memories no? Wouldn't it remind you that you had dated them before? So why are you hesitant on deleting their contacts? Removing them from your social accounts? If you really want to show that you have nothing to do with them, ain't keeping in contact with them, should you just delete them totally?

If one of your ex girlfriend became your good friend after breakup, isn't it alright for same thing to happen to me as well?

This is not about pettiness. If you don't want me to do this and that, keep this and that, shouldn't the same applies to you as well? What makes you think I will be ok if you are not? If I have to ask you maybe delete photos, yes, I will do the same. If I asked you to delete their contacts, I will do the same as well too.

One cannot delete their past. Whatever path one had taken, the route will not disappear for it will be behind you all the way. What you can do is not look back but to continue walking forward. The only time you look back is to reflect on your mistakes and avoid committing the same mistake again.

Even though he said that he will not read my blog because it is sort of like my diary, just that it is open for the public eyes. I do hope that he will read them occasionally to know what is really on my mind? These are not really important but just for understanding purpose.

A Splendid Night!

We planned a steamboat dinner at Clarence's place with the rest of the FF players (those we kept in contact with) to have Ken falling sick (no choice), Nic who kept leaving the chatgroup and Pat who did not bother replying us his attendance and YS who cannot confirm and give a timing or any response on whether is he joining us because his friend want to look at cars. That left Clarence and I hanging nowhere, not certain whether is he joining us. These made me quite pissed off because you should at least have the courtesy to inform us whether are you joining so we can prepare the food.

Luckily for us, we did not buy too much food - for about 3 to 4 person share. In the end we just gave up with YS and good thing was Lydia's back in town! Have not seen her for a really looooooooong time. I guess the last time I saw her was like, 3 years back?

Anyway Clarence prepared fried rice because it is Lydia's favourite. It made the rice smelled very fragrant.

Here are what we used. You can change your chicken to one whole chicken depending on how many people are eating because it is quite tedious when you have to boil your chicken.

1.  Drumsticks - 2 pieces

2. Chicken Cube - 2 cubes

3. Garlic - 2 cloves (depending on the number of guests and how much do you love your garlic)

4. Pandan Leaves - Clarence cut them up but you can choose to tie them as well

5. Chicken stock from boiling the drumsticks

6. Rice - washed and rinsed!

 

Steps:

1. Chop your garlic.

2. Boil water

3. Prepare a pot/pail of ice cold water and place it beside your pot of boiling water.

4. Dip chicken into boiling water for 5 minutes then dip it into iced water until the chicken cools down. Repeat this steps 3 times then you use remove the chicken - it should  be tender by now.

5. Fry your garlic until it turns golden then add rice and pandan leaves in to fry them altogether.

6. Transfer rice into rice cooker and instead of using tap water to cook the rice, use your chicken stock (from boiling the chicken).

We used the chicken cubes on our chicken stock for our steamboat. Clarence added some salt in but you can don't add salt because the soup is salty enough with the cubes.

What did we do with the chicken? We mixed sesame oil, oyster sauce and some other sauces together and rub it on the drumsticks. Taste really delicious and the meat were very tender!

YUMS!!!

 

Our steamboat!

 

This is a Korean Aloe Vera drink Clarence bought. Tasted really good!

 

Ended the night with a bottle of ice wine from Australia (hee, thanks Mr Tan again) and fruits prepared by Lydia.

It was an enjoyable night and it was really cute to see the couple fight. Haha. It may seemed rude of me to laugh so loud when they were 'fighting' but it was really cute of them. It's a pity that Clarence was not feeling too good with his cough and flue.

Lydia was a very good host and I felt very bad leaving her to wash the dishes and prepare the fruits. Hehe. Made me felt like a pampered guests.

Now I am looking forward to my next steamboat dinner at Father's place! Or maybe at Hachiko's place.

Heard of this song when Clarence was playing it from his karaoke channel. This one with lyrics and meaning in English. Very meaningful. How often would you encounter a guy who is so into you, willing to give his whole heart to you, give you all his time and attention and forsake the rest of the girls who may be prettier, smarter, richer, etc than you? Who is willing to wait for you and ignore other girls, keep chasing you until you say yes to him? One word: Impossible. If there is one such guy, I would really love to meet him.

Enjoy this song. B said I always listen to emo songs... Zzzzz

Looking beyond beauty

 Me and my shopping bags!

Yes, I had managed to do my Chinese New Year shopping last Thursday! Hee. How about you?? Chinese New Year is the time of the year where I always look forward to seeing my relatives.

Lately I have been acting busy for the past few days with going to school to do my revision. Frankly speaking, I did not do much. My lecturers are at the far chapters and I am still at the beginning of it, trying to understand the concepts, the formulas, etc. I am beginning to feel the stress of my exams coming soon in May, lecturers are moving fast ahead, UOL lecturers are coming in March, revisions in April and boom! Exams!

I need to put in more efforts and instead of rushing through all 4 modules, I should try to master at least one of them.

A friend of mine was asking me a question - What attracts you and him to each other?

My mind went blank and I was thinking, what was it?

Seems like I need to start thinking of his good points rather than focusing on his bad points.

I cannot answer her question and asked her what was it that attracts her and her partner to each other then?

She said the way he understands her. When she made one move, he would know what would her next step be. And how he care for her.

Considering that his history was not really good especially that one incident that involved him and his best friend, I wonder how or what made him changed so much? Was it because of her? Or he had enough fun and finally want to settle down? I can never imagine him being so sweet to the extend of sending her a big card with sweet nothings, to go to her work place to send her lunch/dinner or to pick her up from work or send her to work, to spend as much of his time with her as possible, not doing things that he used to do, too many to list out.

That would make one go green with envy. Especially after one see how much of an opposite they are. The boyfriend is slim while the girl is short and plump. One just cannot understand how or what did he sees in her when he could have much better catch. That sounds a little superficial huh.

Won't she feel insecure with her boyfriend?

I guess love works in a funny way.

So what attracts me to him?

What attracts you to your partner?


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I had lost my gan di's number when I had changed my phone... So if you are reading this... please drop me a message again with your Australian number again ok??

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Anyway, this song has been running in my head for a few days now. Shall share it with you guys.

And another here.

Where did it go wrong?

Took out new sheets to change and I saw the covers for the comforter brought over from his rented place and was reminded of the time when we just started seeing each other.

It all felt good then and both of us were messaging each other almost all the time. Where we would just talk on the phone almost every night. Where I couldn't wait for the next day to start so that I could see him and the day not to end so that I wouldn't have to say goodbye to him. Where I would check my phone all the time to see if he message me. Call him the next moment when I have got a missed call from him. Treated every minute like they were so precious to me.

And that got me thinking, when did all these end? When did things become so bad that we were fighting almost everyday and to the extend of just ending the relationship? When did we stop messaging each other so frequently like we used to? Where did it go wrong? Or did we start taking each other for granted? Taking this relationship for granted? Or we were so into each other then was because we do not see each other everyday except for at work?

Today nearly marks the end of this 6 months plus relationship. B felt that it's time for him to go, to stop hurting me. That got me thinking, whether is that a right move? To just end it once and for all? Do I want to? Do I still love him? Should I just agree with him? And if I do agree with him, to just let him go, will he just go instead of staying put? - He said he will go.

Or was it the constant fighting that made him to stop trying?

He said that the quarrels made him felt that the relationship has problems. Aren't problems to be solve once they surface instead of ignoring where the problem lies? Find out what are the problems and find solutions to it?

Maybe he just did the things he felt was alright as long as he still love me. Maybe he doesn't feel that he's flirting with them. Maybe he didn't realise the things he did make me uncomfortable?

But.... shouldn't he consider my feelings beforehand?

Or maybe I am the one who is oversensitive? Who is overreacting?

Such as messaging someone whom I used to like almost everyday, almost for the whole day/night?

Or messaging someone who may like me? Adore me? Admire me?

A friend once said "even if I stick to him 24/7, if he wants to cheat, the ways are many."

Either way, I guess this is the last straw - the straw he was referring to. Once it is used up and cannot be use anymore, into the dustbin it goes.

Oh and my feelings when I saw that messages? It wasn't comfortable at all. Although it was over but I still cannot forget about it for now.

Someone once said that a friend of hers ignore everything her husband is doing - ignorance is a bliss. Is it really?

I do not want to control him neither do I want him to be messaging girls excessively. There's no balance to everything I guess. I wonder how those model couples do it. How did they manage to trust each other so much? Do they actually quarrel? How did they keep their relationship going?

Even for one who jokes about her admirer, but she is still proud to talk about her husband.

Then I remembered him saying : Tell the girls how wonderful my girlfriend is?

And I thought about it... there's nothing wonderful about me. I did not do anything that makes him think I am wonderful. That will makes him feel proud to talk about me. Nothing at all. And he said that his heart is always with me. His mind is filled with me. His words all concerns me.

Did he really? Talk about me all the time to his friends? Or was he just good with words?

About what you said... I will keep that in mind. I guess when it comes to that.

Maybe when he said to quit, I should just call it quits instead of asking to continue.

Why did I ask to continue then? There must be a reason to do that right?

I'm tired. I do not want to think anymore.

Looking back, we have had overcome quite a few hurdles. It was a slow and painful path but we overcame it anyway. Now that we are faced with another one, an even more challenging one where we nearly give up. Will we just give up or will we try our best to overcome it, to move on ahead and overcome other obstacles that comes we will face?

I hope that he will try to put my feelings into consideration before he do yet another thing.

I hope that he will keep to his word when he said that he will share things with me, no secrets, no keeping things, no matter how insignificant it is. - a friend once said, a couple will never have zero secrets and will definitely keep secrets from one another. Yet another said they do not have any between them.

Again, trust is the biggest issue here.

Will the people trust the wolf when he cried too many times?

Two songs to share.

My Angels

For the past 2 days I was trying to find a friend who is able to give me a loan to pay off my exam fees. And you just helped me! I'm very grateful and still consider it fate that we know each other under such weird circumstances. Funny thing is.. You didn't ask me when or how long is the repayment period. Lol. What if I suddenly pack my bags and disappear? Hahah!

12years of a unique friendship and still counting! :)

Anyway I know the transfer is out and I'm going to the most undesirable outlet. With his and B's push, I'd decided to finally move on. Guess I have to be thick skin, attend interviews and accept rejections.

Academic wise, prelims are approaching and exams as well. Lucky for me, TP's class consist of basic Econs which I can crash in and learn the fundamentals of Econs. Hopefully this will help me on understanding Econs better.

There no fire without smoke

Omg... I had planned to study the whole day and attend my Econs lecture in the evening. However... I'm starting to feel restless now. I cannot concentrate and need to do something.

Received a text message to pay for my exam fees and I have not take up any loans yet! Sigh. Almost feel like not paying for the fees but that will mean I have to retake the modules again and pay for them again! Maybe I should call them up tomorrow and try taking a loan.

Had chatted with B last night and realized that he meant 'Cigarettes' instead of 'secrets'. And I was thinking he was keeping a post his a secret from me. He laughed and said I ought to get my ear checked! =.="

Should have tell him that it comes with age..

A friend was telling me this story that made me wonder how would I react?

If a friend whom you are close with said they saw someone kissing your partner, how would you react to it? Would you feel betrayed? Angry? Cheated? Or clarify with your partner first? And what if that someone was your partner's colleague? Or is someone close to your partner? Maybe always go out for dinner (maybe in a group only), go drinking together (in a group)? Or what if that someone is somebody whom you have a bad impression from the start?

That got me thinking, how would I feel? Or react? Would I trust B enough that such information coming from anyone but B are untrue?

I remembered B telling me that sometimes rumors spread because some part of it may be true. If not why would the rumors start?

What would you have done?

Happy New Beginnings! :)

HAPPY 2013 EVERYONE!!!!

At least my blog for 2012 is not that dusty and hopefully I'll fill it with something better!! :)

May our 2013 be better than 2012!

I'd made up my 2013 Resolution, that is to spend at least 30 mins to revise my work! Not a lot as compared to 3 hours but better than nothing right?

Anyway I really do hope that 2013 will be a better year for me, in terms of health, work and maybe my love life. I guess I'd came to a stage where I will follow where the wind blows instead of go. Anything can happen. A friend's girlfriend can wake up suddenly and said she do not love him anymore and just pack her bags and left. Another who can bring home a different girl every night is happily married with a girl who was 20 years his junior. So when it happens, it happen regardless of when and where. I hope my mom will meet someone too, who will treat her right.

I also hope to continue keeping in touch with my close friends, my faithful readers of my 2012 emo blog will continue reading my blog no matter how dull or exciting it has become. Hee.

HE said he does not read my blog because it is like my online diary. I wanted him to read it initially after I told him about it but now, it does not really matter much. I wanted to take photos of him and post them in my fb, tag him and him to 'like' it or comment on photos like my friends'. I wanted to know what were they messaging whenever he uses the phone. Now, I guess I am not bothered by it anymore even if he does not tell me everything - like his ex-girlfriends messages him or whoever. If a girl like him and message/talk to him, I won't force him to stop talking to her. If things happen, it will happen right? No matter how one tries to stop it, one cannot stop it from happening. Not being bothered by all these will make me a happier person. Maybe that will be better for him as well. Less stress in the relationship.

May my career improve - by stepping out of this swampy ground that bears no holds for me anymore.

My health will improve and not deteriorate.

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I was preparing the photos earlier in the day before going out and realised that the last day of 2012 was over in 30 mins! Time really flies but one has to move on and not turn back too often.

Here are photos taken for an event that was supposed to happen but did not in the end. Character difference? Clash? Reached the end of the red line?

I had given up on making my arms look smaller. If it is big, I will just let it remain as it is but no bigger.

Mei and I

We went to Bangkok, Thailand during my 1 week term break. I was feeling quite tired and did not enjoy myself that much. Not sure whether was it I am not a fan of Thailand. Do not flame me please but I am a very fussy eater and I just couldn't get used to their unique taste. Shopping? I'm not a big fan of that hobby and their clothes doesn't suits me - I'm too fat for it.

It was a 3D2N trip and we did not spend much. Budget lah. Room was nice, it was a new hotel - Platinum Novotel. Just above the mall only and there are a lot of big shopping malls around it.

Taking a cab to our hotel. Driver dropped us at a congested road, far from the hotel's entrance. I think he does not know where the hotel lobby is and stopped in front of the Platinum Mall. The furthest building from where our hotel is. =.="

We did not take the cab often because the places we are going are near the train stations so we bought... Rabbit Card! Walked quite a lot but I love walking, so I am fine with it. This is nothing as compared to what I did in Japan with TP. Haha.

Their train platform - so open and I like it!

We wanted to walk around this shopping mall but it was closed for renovation!!

There was a super big mall called "Central World" which is like 3 times of ION!

First time sitting in a Tuk Tuk - FUN!

Not sure what to eat, I do not fancy street side food and do not wish to eat Japanese/SG food since we are in Thailand... We walked into this Thai restaurant where they served us this for starters. RAW Vegetable and it was.... Let's just say I stopped eating it after the first bite.

Thinking about whether will my food be delicious or not.

A friend recommended this new shopping mall called "Terminal". It was an interesting concept. Every level is a different country and are designed to suit that theme. Cute huh?

Even the toilet is also decorated according to the country.

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A final and last outing before some of us are split up. *Sad*

My last disciple and she was transferred out.

Trying to do something different in this photo..

But it did not work... so I just took a normal picture.

Ariel always want to act young by doing that.

The team who will stay put.

Nothing to do, took a picture with the Polaroid.

After that outing, most of us headed off to GM. I just realised that photo taken with my handsome saxophone player was not here!! It was in my phone! Thought I could show him with my secret readers. Hee.

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I was typing this halfway and J's comment popped in.

Thanks for your continuing support - must be nothing to do so read all the gossips here right??

Happy New Year to you too!

Ya lo, I have more secret readers than I ever know. HAHAHAHAH!

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I have 3 more albums to go and I guess I couldn't load them before 2012 ends.. So I shall leave it for another day.

Time to go sleep, it is 0112 already! WOW! Who knows, in a blink of an eye, it is the last day of 2013 already. Hope I had accomplish something by then.