Just grow stronger every passing day

B had a feeling that I'm loving him lesser. I don't think I am.. but maybe? I don't know.

So we had a talk this morning and it came to a point where he wants to know what's on my mind. So I have no choice but to show him this blog of mine since it consist of all my thoughts and what exactly am I feeling. I'd realised that for the past posts, it was all about him. He read it and felt that he did not put in enough effort, did not spare a thought for my feelings until I have to quote him some examples.

So end of the day, he did try to put in some. Removed the photo taken with his ex-girlfriend turned good friend and by tagging me in photos that are related to us. I guess finally it's WE and not I.

After a talk with a friend, I realised that I actually have more faith on him without realising it. Guess I trust him more than I know.

I'm glad that this morning happened, for I felt a big relief, after letting him know about my blog, about knowing how I felt exactly. I just find it easier to type how I feel into words than putting it out verbally.

Anyway, my love for B had not decrease but increased! Who said dog and dragon cannot be together?

On a side note, I'd placed order for my MacBook le! I'm sooooo excited to get it! Just waiting for my 富婆 to sign the deal. Hehehehehe. Realised I have two 富婆 now. A picture of Eli drinking beer... Literally of course! Lol 

I'm so looking to tomorrow's night safari!

Closing heart. Fcuk care.

Wrote him a long email telling him how I felt (partially) the night before and he could still asked me why was I acting strange that night? Told him it was in the email already. He had read it and whether was there anything he wants to address to? Which he said no. Wow.. wrote such a long email and he doesn't has any concerns or anything in mind? I mean, if I am the one reading it, it will address them paragraph by paragraph, or line by line if I have to. Now... Does this mean something about our difference in thinking? Frankly speaking, I was very skeptical when I was typing that mail. I kind of knew that something like that would happen. And sometimes I feel that I would actually get out more from him if we were messaging instead of talking face to face. Am I expecting too much from him? He still can say that I'm very close to some of my guy friends. Told him that it is the same for him too. He has close female friends too. And I don't put photos taken with them up, plus the one with the ex-girlfriend turned good friend. I don't do that. Oh well, in my email to him, I said to think of my feelings before he do something.... I guess actions speaks louder than words. He can comment that I wrote such a long email to him. Asked if he read it, he said yes but it was too long that he can't possibly remember. I can if he wrote something like that to me, telling me what's on his mind. And when he was reading it out loud, there wasn't any hint of seriousness behind it.

And is just learned something about him. He would just search and add that person in his facebook after maybe talking to them. Like it can be worked in the same roadshow, one day training, etc. Ok.. maybe I'm overreacting on that for personally I felt that it is quite pointless to add someone whom you are not close with (as in really working together, keeping in contact with) in your fb. Maybe he is just being sociable. Maybe it is just nothing. I don't know. But doing that and giving number to someone and messaging that someone whom I just met, isn't that the same? For messaging can be done over fb anyway. So it is alright for me to give my number or ask for their number too right? I mean since he may be doing that anyway.

I just don't feel secure with him now. Trust is there but it is not strong.

I was trying to absorb that and again acted strangely for which he asked what's wrong? I really want to tell him but I'd decided not to because the result may be the same - not thinking of anything. Or he will just keep quiet. Or he will say that searching and adding someone in fb is not the same as giving my number when someone asked for it. Anyway I knew that he will sleep through it even though he did not find out anything and I'd learnt to just act normally so that he will not sense anything amiss.

Someone who had gone missing in his life is back again and contacted him. Ok. She messaged him on fb. Why don't he just reply her when I was looking at his same fb page? Why reply when I was looking away? Don't know lah.. maybe he don't want to be doing that when we are looking at his page. For I will most probably reply when he is looking so that he can see my reply. But I will not do that anymore.

I guess I am learning very slowly not to think too much. Don't care what he do - adding people he just met on fb; messaging his exes;etc. Guess it will come to a point where I will clam up, not telling him how I feel anymore. Because it will seem pointless. Maybe the important ones that require attention but otherwise... And I guess my heart is slowly closing up too while I keep things to myself.

I so wanted to just let him see this blog of mine but I guess, after reading so much, what is his next course of action? Maybe nothing. Maybe he will feel that I'm thinking too much, overreacting, spot on my grammar/spelling/vocabulary mistake. I do not want it come to that. And I think.. I will just keep this to myself.

What to name this post? I don't know.

I'd decided not to care about anything. That will mean one thing though and it is certainly not looking good.

And just thought of a name for this post.

Stopped being bothered by it.

Went drinking with friends last Friday and everyone drank so much.

Did I mention that there is a girl who likes B? Well, my instinct told me so and her actions confirmed it.

She was there last night and I guess she was just disappointed that he wasn't there. She got drunk and I offered to send her home. Why should I do that even though she is kind of like my rival in love? I guess I just can't bear leaving someone drunk alone. She doesn't want to go home and I offered to bring her back to my home because I wasn't able to get her address from her. No one knows where exactly she stays. I'm ok with bringing her home for it was not the first time I'd brought a drunk home anyway (i was staying alone then). In the end, I managed to send her home.

Anyway, seeing how she behaved that night made me wonder, how would she behave if B was there. Would she have tried to go close to him? Flirt with him? Or try staying close to other guys trying to make him jealous? B will be transferred to a new outlet and she will be there with him too. Frankly speaking I was quite worried. Not about him for I trust him buy her. She can used the excuse of being drunk / high and kiss and flirt with a married guy whom most prolly she can guess liked her and why won't she try anything funny on B when she liked him and he's not married.

Why does he sound so frustrated when I asked whether does she message him? Maybe he is just irritated with the mere questioning of her.

Told him way back that my instinct told me she likes him but he doesn't believe. And did not keep a distance. Going over to talk to her. Sitting beside her. Close physical contact - enough to make her feel excited. If he feels that a guy likes me and I just told him that that guy and I will never be together and I love him only. Same workplace, still talk to him, sits beside him. Would he feel comfortable? Or maybe again, I'm the only one who think too much.

If he realised that the guy who like me has been messaging me which I said was about work and one time he saw the guy' message and it wasn't about work?

He puts up a photo frame of photos taken with his buddy - that I understand. Then there's a picture of another girl - a friend he claimed, together with him on her birthday, that I can tolerate and now he puts up another polaroid of one of his ex-girlfriend turned good friend. Wow, one who doesn't knows him well would have thought all 3 were his ex girlfriends or something. I mean, if I were to put similar photos, would he feel comfortable enough to see them everyday for breakfast and before sleeping time? If he can, then fine, I'm being overly sensitive and maybe I think too much about it that I'm bothered by it.

Maybe I should stop being bothered by it. Shouldn't care which photo he use/put.

If he did consider my feelings before doing anything.

One day he was driving into the carpark, trying to take his phone out with one hand and unlocking the passcode. There was an incoming with the vehicle that pickups the dustbin at hdb. It's an opened air one and has a driver in front. From my view, it looked very dangerous and he avoided it and continued with his phone trying to make and complete a call while parking the car. To me, it is dangerous. To him, it was a small matter. He's not a driver with a year of experience. Which that did not cross my mind but I felt he was being irresponsible. For that 5 minutes, can't he just park then make the call? Or he's worried that his mom will buy the season parking, can't he just stop at one side and make the call then? He is endangering the life of the other driver and what happen if he got into a minor accident? Why can't he just pass the frikking phone and ask me to help him make the damn call? He doesn't feels that he's in the wrong but I don't think I'm wrong for being angry with him for doing that.

Sometimes I wish I could just show him this blog so that he will know what exactly am I thinking but of course I won't yet.

I wish I could..

Damn... I'm scheduled for a surgery tomorrow to remove my wisdom teeth, all 4 of them... But now I can feel my fever burning through my cheeks.... Which means no surgery tomorrow! I'd put it off once and this is going to be my second time. Argh!! Should have just pop the fever pills, sleep through the night and wake up the next morning without any problem!! Now is 38deg cel. Tomorrow better be back to 37.5!

Anyway, to end the post with cold water.... That feeling is back. I wish I could just trust him. Even when. I feel that he is keeping something from me..

Taking things for granted

Went down to visit my grandpa yesterday. It was very saddening to see the iv needle on his wrist. I mean I myself felt that it was quite painful when they tried to poke the needle into my wrist needless to say, on my yeye's.

When I saw him last evening, he was twitching - like sudden jerks now and then when you are cold. Not having a clue why was he like that and that feeling sucks. He, not being able to tell us where is he not feeling well or comfortable, his eyes closed for most of the time and

It is funny how when someone was admitted into the hospital with a critical condition then one will receive a lot of visitors or have their children coming down to visit them and not doing so on normal days.

Update: 21/10, my grandpa's condition is stabilising but that doesn't mean we should take that for granted with his current health condition. He is out of oxygen support, meaning that he can breathe on his own.

I was surprised to receive a message from someone whom I had lost contact with after I finished secondary school. Met him at my workplace 1-2years back and kept in contact for a short while before we lost contact again and just recently he messaged me out of the blue. I nicknamed him 白兔. Guess he was really cute then and fair. Not sure what does he want from me this time.

Sudden news?

Just got a message from my cousin that my grandpa is in ICU..... This is the moment that gave me plenty of nightmares and something that I dreaded to hear.

Yes, ye ye was looking very weak and fragile when I saw him this year, during Chinese New Year. Maybe it is selfish of me to wish he will live a longer life, be healthy so that I still have my ye ye to greet every CNY, give the fact that he's over 100years old. Indeed, it is better for him to go peacefully, preferably in his sleep but I just don't want him to.

Now I am so tempted to rush over to the hospital to stay with my grandpa and at least be there till his last breath. I don't want to wake up the next morning and see a message that my eyes do not want to see........

It was my ye ye that brought the family together. Where he is the reason why we will go 拜年.

I'm so scared now.

Some random thoughts

"Let's make a pact: when we're 30, if we're still single, then we'll get married!"

I remembered when I was about 16years old, a friend of mine and I made this pact as we were both single then. We met online - IRC was really the craze then, for bored youngster like me to chat and make friends online. We chatted and met up. He was a year older than me and he was studying in an all boys school. I remembered him changing girlfriends like changing clothes.

He had moved on later to a nice girl and shortly after we lost contact with each other. I'm not sure what happened to him now. He's a smart guy and I hope he is doing well now. It is impossible to find him via fb because his name is too common..

There are so many memories of the past, fond ones that I will never forget and some that I had regretted not doing or doing. Guess that was part and parcel of growing up? During my time of course.

Right, there was this couple where their situation is quite similar to mine except that her guy is 7 years younger than her. That got me thinking, I will always be a digit more than B except for that miserable 6 years where we will be on the same line of digit.

I will come to an age where I will grow old faster than him, have wrinkly skin and while he is still younger than me. It kind of scares me.

The female was taking anti-aging pills, diet pills, etc. I do not wish to do that but here I am wondering, how will I look like when I'm 40? Will I age gracefully? Will he still love me?

Friends were asking me to think about it carefully. "Isn't it better if you find someone your age or older so that you will still be younger than him?" I guess we shall just watch and see eh? If it happens it happens.

The Social Network

I'd just realised that most of my friends own just one social network which majority are facebook and some Twitter. I do not have a facebook account until one of my temp staffs created one for me. That was very cute of him to do that. Then I have twitter as I do not wish to keep spamming my emo thoughts in my fb and to spare everyone the agony of reading my emo thoughts hence the Twitter. However the main reason why I created twitter was to communicate with someone special. If you're reading this, you should know who you are, my loyal fan. :)

I'm glad to have this blog though. HE (yup, my blog is a guy. Heh), who shared all my ups and downs. Kinda sian though 'cause my photos from the past were gone as I used a lousy photo storage which closed down eventually. Can't retrieve them. I guess if photobucket wants me to pay, I'll be glad to pay a nominal fee just to store and share my photos.

Anyway, I'd decided to wait till the holiday season to ser if apple will launch any new MacBook pro with GeForce graphics card for 13" size.

Hmmm, just saw his contacts (not behind his back of course!) and had this sour feeling passing through me when I saw that he still keep his exes contacts and some even their address. I guess as long as they are there, there's a possibility of them keeping in contact. Then again, I too have some numbers which I'm keeping. Just got to count on trust I guess and I can't possibly control his life right? Plus maybe it will come to a time where I'm not bothered at all if he ever contacts one of them or to even meet them. When it comes to that, he too may feels the same when it comes to me.

Deal or no deal?

Okay, I was looking at this Macbook, 13" one. Wanted to buy this especially since they offered interest free instalment plan. Soooo tempted but B said the specs is not that good, the graphics card in particular. So, please check out the specs and tell me whether is it a good enough deal to go ahead with the purchase!

http://store.apple.com/sg_edu_4911/browse/h
ome/shop_mac/family/macbook_pro/select

Big step ahead

So it's done. We just moved the remaining of his items to my place. As you finished reading the sentence earlier, yes, B is moving over to my place.

At times I wonder whether is it happening to fast since we have been together for 3 months plus going 4. At times he can be really childish, at times serious and can be on my nerves. Things to be done at a different pace. I guess it is refreshing when his every action can be different. Like serious at times, playful at times - he can be really cute then. :)

My mom had her doubts at first and I too, considering our age difference. I guess if this relationship did not work out in the future, we also cannot really help it right? So what we can do now is to be together, make this relationship works. :)

I was quite worried about him not telling me the truth about anything, everything considering that he had done it before (lie). I would try to tell him if any of my ex-boyfriends message me, or if any of my friends are visiting me in SG. Only thing I'm not ready to tell is this diary of mine. I do not want it to come to a point where I can't even express my thoughts here without him knowing? Ah, that's sounds... Contradicting right? Where we are supposed to share our thoughts with each other. However, I find it hard to express as freely as what I am doing now.

Maybe I'm just worried that the constant worries, doubts and all will turn him away and made him love me lesser each day because he's tired of being asked the same question everyday? Anyway my doubts are definitely decreasing as in I'm not that much bothered when he's on the phone/facebook/twitter/whatever or if he's checking out HER, let's call her X, the girl whom he used to like and date when we were together in an open relationship. Oh yah, as I was saying, not so bothered if he check out X's instagram or his ex-girlfriends' blogs/facebook, whatever. Still sometimes I wish he would not close the webpage he was viewing so quickly whenever I was around. It feels like he was doing it intentionally.

And another thing I was quite bothered was, one of his ex-girlfriend became his good friend. I was a bit bothered by it especially when they had a photo taken together and he want to put it up on his photo frame along with the other photos he took with his group of friends or just with his close friends. I'm ok with it. However, if I'm in contact with a guy whom I used to like but did not date and we ended up as good friends, but no, I can't meet him. Why?

Anyway he disappeared for 5 years and so and just came back into my life.

The feelings I had for him had faded and now, I only care for B and love B only. Yet B said it's different because he had a relationship with her and I didn't and may want to try and fulfil it. What?? So I assuring him that I don't like the guy anymore doesn't work? And when I told him that my instinct told me a girl at work likes him, he told me not to worry because he doesn't like her at all. And he can talk to her and all. Why is that so? If he told me a guy likes me, I said the same and still talk to him, stand close or even to sit beside him, how would he feel?

Now, I don't really check out my ex-boyfriends, my fbs or even guys whom I used to like or like me. Because I don't want him to worry. Just avoiding unnecessary trouble. If he feels that it is alright to do the things he did, so I'm not wrong to feel that it is alright too right?

Do you believe in life after death?

Maybe I look too much into things. Things that happened before are in the past. There was a closure to it and kept it behind us. We had talked about it and we had ended it all.

We nearly came close to something.. which I'm glad it did not happen. Otherwise I will be the guilty one. For that moment was like and not love. We could not have last until today.

<I>"Do you believe in life after death?
I do. And if you do, I wish that I will meet you earlier and we will be together as a couple." He said.</I>

Saddest moment..

I'm sooooooooooo sad today!!!! Just threw my drum set out.. :(

Alright, it's not exactly a real drum set but... It is my first ever Guitar Hero World Tour set! My drum set accompanied me through GHWT to Guitar Hero Warriors of Rock. Unfortunately it is no longer working... I wanted to keep it for as long as possible but my room is quickly running out of space with new furnitures. And it is about time for me to clear off some of the older guitars from GHWT as well. Argh, I'm so unwilling to part with them but they gotta go. I kept my drumsticks and I planned to frame them up as part of my memory.

To J ( I believe the annoymous is you) and Dadrobe (wow! You really disappeared for what, 5 years?). I guess a relationship is never the same and we can never understand what each one of us has been through. As in, what are things done. For Dadrobe, maybe your then-girlfriend, now-wife did something that made you not trust her but regain it back from you as well. I must say congrats.

J - jiayou bah. :)
I've learnt that, if you want to know what is the other party doing on the phone, then either peek over or ask casually what is she doing. She, on the other hand may be most willing to share. Then again, I can't tell you what to do for it may backfire. No one is the same anyway.

I just hope that B will share everything with me. When he's messaging his friends, he will just share it with me if it is something interesting or funny. Or even if it is boring or they are planning something or someone found their dream/sucky job, he'll share them all with me.

Sometimes when I was laughing while messaging/reading the messages, he will ask me what was it. I will gladly share with him as long he don't find my stories bored or bo liao.

Trust is definitely something that is very hard to do. It is like a hurdle that seemed almost too high for one to jump over especially if you keep hitting the bar. And it indeed made one felt very painful to love that person whom you've no trust over or maybe have a very fragile trust wall building up. Sometimes it felt so painful and tiring that I almost want to give up and let it go so that I will not have to suffer it. I'm glad I stand firm and I believe that my perservence will payoff one day.

I hope one day, I am able to trust him wholeheartedly and will not be let down again.

Wish you and all other couples all the best. :)

Funny thing is, I know that I love him. Guess we felt the same way towards each other. And we have to remember that we are not longer 'I' but 'we' instead. Things we do, we have to put the feelings of our partner before doing it. If I don't want B to do this, I should not as well. If I wish B will tell me this, I will tell him what I'm doing so to keep his heart and mind at ease. Not sure if I sound like I'm going round and round. Anyway, when I feel like my love is fading, he always bring it back and made it stronger than before. Hope I'm doing the same to him too.

Who wants to be disappointed right?

So, here I am trying to build the trust with him and I hope that he will be the last guy I will be dating. :)

Lastly, a picture of my poor and sad drum.... ):

雨过天晴

Wow, now that I've been using his mac for the 2nd day, I must say I'm getting the hang of it. Maybe I can consider getting one when I really need it. It's so expensive, like SGD3000 for a good one! And should I be facing any issues with the mac, I can always ask B for help!

Anyway, I couldn't sleep well at all last night and I must admit, I cried really hard. B doesn't know about it for he was fast asleep and I was doing it under covers (sounds like undercover huh).

This morning, somehow B felt that something is wrong and asked me. Then I asked him about it, told him what's on my mind. He did not say much and I'm not sure what was he thinking for when I asked him about it, he said he wasn't thinking about anything. He told me that I can ask all the questions I want and he will answer them, but it is up to me whether I believe him only.

I do feel relieve now that I'd managed to spill out what's bothering me. And I guess, trust really takes a lot of hard work. The trust lost yesterday was back today. The only time when it is 100% complete is when I post photos of us here in my blog, in my fb profile pic, my whatsapp, etc. Basically is telling the whole world that I'm with him. And when I'm not bothered at all when he message his ex girlfriends occasionally, when he knows about this blog of mine (that is unless he found it first). I'd love to have him do up my blog for me. So, all the best to every couples out there having the same issue as I am - building this wall call Trust.

Now my room has more of him here. His perfume smell (one that he sprays every morning before going to work), his bag on the floor, his top hanging on the wardrobe, etc. All these reminds me of his presence.

We'll just take one step at a time bah.

Just can't sleep

Here I am, unable to sleep with all the questions running through my mind. Maybe I'm just too affected by what she had mentioned in her blog post.

I asked him about why is he reading her blog and checking out X's blog and instagram? He looked confused initially. Then again, I'm not sure whether was he genuinely confused or just pretending to be. When he finally remember, he just said he did it out of curiosity. It meant nothing and by all means, I can do the same - checking out my ex bfs blogs or whatever.

Am I over reacting?

How do I know what had happened to her will not happen to me?

How do I know he wasn't messaging any of his ex gfs? Even if he claim not to be, how would I know if he's telling the truth?

How do I know he isn't liking someone right now while he's with me? Hell, he can even be fb messaging the ex whom he loved very much and still sleep with his then gf no?

How do I even know what's on his mind? How do I know when is he telling the truth? How do I know if he love only me? Only he, himself knows.

It is yet another long night and tomorrow, another long day. Guess I won't know the answers to the above questions unless I 'mind enter' him right?

It is so hard for me to trust him now. I don't want to be checking on his messages and all. He will be deleting them anyway.

I just can't brush it off my mind. When he hugged me to sleep, when he said he love me,... Everything he said or do, made me think.

Still there

I just realised that no matter how I try to delete the history, the links, it is still there. And that kind of applies to the real life isn't it? No matter how you try to delete the past, it will still be there. It just a matter of how you look at it.

Is just reread her blog and what she said was what he used to tell me. To share everything so that he will know what's in each others mind, to be best friends, to be someone whom I can rely on, to be my soul mate. Oh how it all sounds the same.

I do agree with her, I don't want to be the last to know what's going on at the back of his mind. Sometimes he can say nothing, but is there really nothing on his mind? Is he really not thinking about something? Anything?

He asked to open up everything and I did. Did he?

I want him to be honest. Will he be? Is he? It's so hard now. How do I face him later?

Outdated Photos and Realisation

As much as I'm feeling extremely vex, I need to finish up this post.

Been visiting Golden Mile quite frequently in May because of my favourite singer and I wasn't in any serious relationship then. I'd also decided not to post photos except for myself up here due to it's sensitivity level. ;)

As there's too many group photos or photos taken with other parties, I just summarise this GM outing here.


Golden Mile May 2012







With my favourite singer, Tam. He'd sadly returned to Thailand and he's a good saxophone player. I think that was why I was partially attracted to him. He reminded me of another singer whom I used to know way back at Nana but of course Tam cannot replace him no matter what. :)
Whenever I heard the song by Potato, I'll definitely be reminded of him, my Nana guy.





Too long since I last visited GM that I'd forgotten her name.


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Finally get to meet up with Bryan for dinner in June. I am really thankful that we are still in contact, or rather to Bryan for making the effort to page me up when I got transferred to another outlet. We've known each other for how long? At least 4years! Can you believe that? Even when he's no longer working as a promoter, we are still in contact and he's always there listening to my woes, my happiness, everything! And I'm happy that he'd finally gotten his licence without 'bribing' the testers!












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Went on to Hong Kong with B in July, just before my school starts. I'd decided not to post any photos of him in my blog until things has settle down, until my heart has settle down, until we have sort out all differences and all can do/can't do issues and perhaps when my trust on him is 100%. Shall share more after these. So my poor faithful readers, you'll get to see me, myself and I from now onwards. :P




Luggage all packed and ready to move out!





Last minute checking of hotspots at the bookstore in Changi Airport.





I'd given up on SIA for now because their services are incomparable to Cathay. I'd used their services twice on different years and they have never fail to amaze me how consistent their services rendered were. Still very friendly, pretty and their food? I'd finished everything on the tray - that definitely means something for I'm a very fussy eater.





Been the good passenger, I'd decided to switch my network to airplane mode in advanced. I really hate those inconsiderate people who thought that one time without switching their phone off / to airplane mode and nothing happen to them means it's alright to do it again. Please! There are other passengers on board as well! Are you going to be responsible for everyone's lives?





Preparing to fly!





Landed in HK in one piece, though I was all groggy from the lack of sleep. It was a red-eyed flight and I wasn't having enough rest. We ended up in the lobby after walking around a bit and had our breakfast because most of the stores are not open yet. I slept deeply at the hotel's lobby while B began planning our itinerary with the map and info from friends on hand.





You know when you always watch those HK dramas and they were eating food from the road stalls and it looked really yummy right? NOT AT ALL! Ok, not for me for I'm not a local there. Thought I'd be adventurous and try the siew mai and how much I regretted it... Wanted to throw the rest and B do not like to waste food finished the rest off.





Saw some of the people drinking orange juice and the colour in the transparent bottle looked rich enough to know that it must be very sweet. Bought one and felt ripped off for it cost me at least HK$20? Can't remember how much it cost exactly but definitely not worth the money. Well yea, it's damn sweet. Heeh.





Can't find this brand in SG. Pink for her! :D
Regretted not buying more clothes from this store.





Everyone was telling me that I MUST TRY their wanton noodles.. So I did and ....... I finished the noodles only because the dumpling contained prawns. :(





Eating yummy food at Starbucks!!





Me....





More of me! XD





At the peak.





This photo marks the last day at HK. We shopped a lot and I was happy that I bought a lot of shoes and tops. Unfortunately the shoes do not match most of my clothes! Unless I'm wearing shorts.. :(
Anyway I'll definitely return to HK to do shopping again! However.... my next trip will be to Taiwan! Hope their streetside stalls will be better than HK or Thailand.. So far, none beats the stalls in Japan! I'm sure someone would be nodding their heads away when they read the last sentence. Hee.



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I was quite surprised when TP told me that she's throwing in the towel for I'd always thought I'd be the one to do so before her especially since she's under probation and is confirmed for her new role. Oh well, she's enjoying her life very much right now and I'm happy for her. That's something that I want to achieve but is unable to. I bet someone far away would be huffing and thinking "See!! Ask you to stay with me but you don't want. You could be a tai tai!". Lol. Yes yes... But I do not regret making that decision and for someone to say "I'll wait for you to change your mind"... well, they always end up with someone else. So I don't really place much hope on that... We shall see eh? :)


Below are photos of me and TP only as the rest... well cannot see the light and others are with B. No Tam. :(













Love this picture because it looked like we are sharing something funny just between the two of us. :)


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Anyway, I'm using B's laptop to do photo editing (yes, resizing.. Lazy me but mac is so difficult to operate!), uploading of photos and updating of blog. Wanted to use my own PC for blog updates however my pc just keeps going down! Lousy. Maybe I ought to change to mac and give it a try huh.

So, I was saying.. I'm using his laptop to do this which means.. there's a very high chance of him finding out this blog - which I wish he will not because I'm still not ready to show him this blog of mine. It's the only thing I have kept away from his eyes, his knowledge and do not wish for him to find out about it yet. I'm sure that he's still keeping something from me which I do not know what.

Anyway... as I was accessing to blog, I found out that he has links to the girl whom he used to date while we were in an open relationship - I'm not sure whether am I being too sensitive. Am I? If he was to find out that I'm accessing some blog/information about a guy whom I used to date/like, would he have felt the same as I do? Or he would just shrug it off like it doesn't bother him?

And he also access to his last ex-gf's blog. Of which, I read it out of curiosity. I found out that he had done the same to her as to me. Like messaging his ex when he was with her and messaging her when he's with me. The reason he told me was she's sad that he's in a relationship already and they were doing some closure to their relationship. Now, I really wonder which part of what he said was true. When I read it, my heart felt.. so painful like never before. I was confused and do not know how to react. Waves of anger, betrayal (too kua zhang mah?) and disappointment splashes upon me in one shot. He told me that it was a mutual breakup and he was feeling bored staying at home with her doing nothing when he used to go out all the time before things changed. However, from her blog, it sounded differently.

Seems like I'm not the only one with trust problem. I was asking for his phones to check on (it was meant to be a joke) and he said that there's no trust when he passed me the phones for me to check. Deep in my heart, yes indeed. There's no trust. He can message his ex-gf, R whom he loved very much when he was with her and now that he's with, can I trust that the same will not happen for he did message her.

What he said to me before we are together was ringing in my ears again. He cannot give his attention to just one girls but to many girls BUT that one girl must give him all her attention. He's like a king, a selfish one. He kept emphasising that he's no flirt.. but it doesn't seem that way to me.

She mentioned in her blog, once bitten, twice shy.. Does that means he did something unthinkable to her before?

It is already very difficult to trust him from last time and when I was finally able to trust him, it crumble again. And when I'm able to pick up the pieces to form it up again, here it goes. I thought that I could trust him wholeheartedly without thinking too much. Can I do that?

Our relationship is working fine, we love each other. Well, I love him but now, I can't say the same for him. However, as much as I love him, I can't trust him. Without trust, love will eventually fade away right?

He told me that he sees a future with me, something that he did not feel or think of with any of his exes except for the one whom he loved very much. Seeing her blog, it seems like he just said the same to every other girls. The relationship can go very far, blah blah.

And when she caught him still messaging his ex, he said he did not tell her because he's afraid of hurting her. Wow, that's like a repeat to me. He's worried that it will hurt our relationship if he tells me. So did he not learn from his past mistakes? That lying is more hurtful than telling the truth?

I'm not sure what to think now. Am I just being too sensitive?

I know it is not right for me to be checking on his personal stuffs just because I'm his girlfriend or using his computer but I just read it. I was so tempted to check all his accounts, to see if whether is he still messaging any of his ex girlfriends, etc. I did not for I fear that I'll find out more that I do not wish to see.

So, we said to take one's feelings into consideration. He threw away my Cityview hotel card because I went there with my ex bf. Oh, but it's just a card with my name, no sweet nothings from him. He, on the other hand, kept her note and pasted it on the cupboard where one can see straight up. Everytime I'm there, I see it. If a note from my ex bf is also pasted on some spot where one can sees it clearly, how would he feel? Would he just keep quiet? Or would he throw it away? I did not say anything whenever I saw the note because I was expecting him to do something, which he did not sadly. I am not sure whether the note is still there at the same spot or did he just shift it from left to right and back to left. Or he threw it away after reading this.

He was saying that I put another person's photo as my facebook profile picture and did not put his. Hello? You put your good friend's photo and everyone thought something went wrong between us. I did not demand or scream or shout to get it change because you said she's your good friend. I trust you and respect your friend. So, it is also alright for me to do the same right? To put a photo of my dearest friend.

Most of the things you own, were from your exes. Wallet, B keychain which you put together with the $ keychain I bought for you (I don't supposed you think of my feelings when you do that right? Or it's another you can do but I can't), the water tumbler which I just drank water out of - would you do the same too? I don't know what else are from your exes for I guess there's no point asking or knowing right? The only time you volunteer to throw away B was when I asked you about it. I'm not sure you want to throw it away just to shut me up or just saying for the sake of saying because you did not immediately get up and throw it away. Or in the first place, shouldn't put it together.

In Thailand, I learnt that you lose weight just to confess to the girl you like - whom you are still in contact with now. I am ok with that but I didn't expect you to be so angry or bothered when the guy whom I used to like meet up with me. I still have no idea why you do not want to approach her for the service and neither do you give me a very valid reason.. Or the reason you gave was just another one out of your handbook - common answers to Q. She asked why did you put your close friend's photo as profile and not hers, if she asked to put hers, would you?

One of your ex girlfriends became your good friend - this I accept and did not ask to break contact with her. For my ex bf or guys who used to like me became my good friends.

You said I have a lot of guy friends, more than girls and it's always guys whom I'm messaging.

How about you? Did you think of your side when you said these to me? You have a lot of female friends, and it's always girls who messages you. New names popped up and neither did you offer to share until when asked.

I do not add just anyone in my facebook unless it is someone I'm close to or comfortable enough to add in my fb, what about you?

You said that I did not think of your feelings when my friend came over. The person who came over is a girl with zero interest in me. I always put your feelings on top of mine and hence I stopped doing things that may upset you. I message my friends openly - letting you see them, tell you about my friends when you usually clams up or just gave short answers to my questions (which I gave up asking anyway. Should I stop asking totally?). Have photos, I'll share them with you. Yes you did, that's after I saw it and asked about it.

Always promises this and that, but I soon found out that it's easy for you to make a promise but hard to keep one.

I still love you but if you ask me what I want from you? Does it even matter if I tell you? Would you do it?

You said I was different, and that you want to have a future with me. I wondered, to how many did you tell that to? Did you say it for the sake of making the girl feel assure? You said that you love me more than I love you? IS that true?

I could tell myself, what can you do when you're spending most of your time with me and the only time  you can flirt is through messaging. Which I seldom see you on your phone -then. I guess anything is possible. When you are away, on your own free time, you'll be there checking out other people's facebook (talk about seldom being on facebook), checking out the girl you used to like and your ex. The meter from not very bothered became bothered to quite bothered now.

In a short span of three months, so many things can happen. And I thought we had managed to sort out most of our differences. Alas, I was wrong. There's still a lot of things I do not know about you.

Go check all you want, see all you want, message all you want for I decided to not be bothered by it, even if you want to meet them. By means, do it. Send them home in your car, drive them around, just you and her (whoever the girl is), do it.

I, on the other hand will try to build the trust wall over my end and see how long it will take to build and how long it can hold up. Shall not lookup at any of the webs even if the search bar shows up the links. I guess, if we are meant to be, we are meant to be. If we are not, we are not. Here I was thinking that somehow fate brought us together, to go through all these obstacles, all these hurdles, perhaps I was wrong. I do not know why do I have to shed so much tears for you. To give so much thought to your feelings. To have love you so much. Maybe we need some time away from each other? Which I'm afraid if we do, I may lose my feelings towards you in time to come. So, tell me, what should I do?

If you do something, you should know that I'd presume that it's alright to do the same too. Not doing it just to spite you, but it seems alright to do so. This, you ought to know.

I remembered saying that I shall not help you charge your phones in case I saw any messages not meant for my eyes. I shall keep to it from today onwards. Neither will I read any messages be it in your computer (this case the search bar as well) nor your phones. You can put the word trust so easily on your lips but did it ever occur to you why did it happen?

Now, I'll just take a step at a time. With this, and you going to another outlet, I won't know what you'd do. I'll just be worried.

If you feels that a guy likes me and I still talk to him, sit beside him, how would you feel? Even when I assure you many times that I have no interest in him, do not like him and all. How would you feel?

Sorry to those reading this, for I did not foresee that it will be such a long post. And neither am I able to tell whether will he bump onto this blog of mine and read it. Whatever is up there, I'd just pour them out from my heart. What I've been keeping inside, trying not to be bother by it.

B, if you are indeed reading this, it is up to you whether do you still want to keep this relationship going for I still do and I do not know why. I just want to give this relationship of ours another chance (again and again). I do not want to give up so easily this round but when my heart crumbles, it spells the end. You cannot term me as a slut who leaves you for another man because he may have merits you do not have (not money wise). You cannot term me as a possessive girlfriend for I'd tried to give you some leeway but you made it hard for me to trust you. And I'm not the only one with trust issues.

You were the one to say no secrets between us. I did not keep any from you except for this blog which is like my diary, not meant for your eyes for now since our relationship is not stable yet.

I do not want to be like some naggy woman to talk about you smoking. However, after hearing what happened to your father, I believe that I should have some rights to ask you to stop when you're ready and I hope that it will not take forever. I do not want to lose you that way and I'd said before, I do not want to lose someone dear to me anymore, again.

To date, I still do not understand why did you pick up smoking again when you start going out with me. The answer you gave do not justify it.

If B never read or come upon this blog, should I ask him about it? Why is he reading up on his ex gf blog and the girl he used to like and date blog/instagram?

A friend said he doesn't mind his gf messaging her ex-bf even if it's on a daily basis. I guess that's trust. Neither do I mind when Mr Tan does that because of trust. I do mind if B do that because there's not trust.

I do, deep in my heart wish he will not see this blog. I do not wish to change my sign out name because it's a name give by Master Keigo. I treasure it. I do not want to change it because of him. I do not want to make this blog private just to keep it away from him.

I'll tell him about this blog when the time comes. Please do not see this blog for now, B.

I'll delete this from the history if I have to.

Do I sound silly? Like some over possessive girlfriend? One that thinks too much over nothing?

I still don't understand why would he want to be with me. Him, superficial, and me much older than him. When the aging starts, what will start to happen? He'll definitely want to find someone young and pretty to look at right?

Friends are telling me to find someone my age or older so that I'll still be younger than them no matter what instead of the other way round. They will still love me more, be able to take care of me physically and financially. Am I being stubborn for not listening to them?