Been visiting Golden Mile quite frequently in May because of my favourite singer and I wasn't in any serious relationship then. I'd also decided not to post photos except for myself up here due to it's sensitivity level. ;)
As there's too many group photos or photos taken with other parties, I just summarise this GM outing here.
Golden Mile May 2012
With my favourite singer, Tam. He'd sadly returned to Thailand and he's a good saxophone player. I think that was why I was partially attracted to him. He reminded me of another singer whom I used to know way back at Nana but of course Tam cannot replace him no matter what. :)
Whenever I heard the song by Potato, I'll definitely be reminded of him, my Nana guy.
Too long since I last visited GM that I'd forgotten her name.
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Finally get to meet up with Bryan for dinner in June. I am really thankful that we are still in contact, or rather to Bryan for making the effort to page me up when I got transferred to another outlet. We've known each other for how long? At least 4years! Can you believe that? Even when he's no longer working as a promoter, we are still in contact and he's always there listening to my woes, my happiness, everything! And I'm happy that he'd finally gotten his licence without 'bribing' the testers!
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Went on to Hong Kong with B in July, just before my school starts. I'd decided not to post any photos of him in my blog until things has settle down, until my heart has settle down, until we have sort out all differences and all can do/can't do issues and perhaps when my trust on him is 100%. Shall share more after these. So my poor faithful readers, you'll get to see me, myself and I from now onwards. :P
Luggage all packed and ready to move out!
Last minute checking of hotspots at the bookstore in Changi Airport.
I'd given up on SIA for now because their services are incomparable to Cathay. I'd used their services twice on different years and they have never fail to amaze me how consistent their services rendered were. Still very friendly, pretty and their food? I'd finished everything on the tray - that definitely means something for I'm a very fussy eater.
Been the good passenger, I'd decided to switch my network to airplane mode in advanced. I really hate those inconsiderate people who thought that one time without switching their phone off / to airplane mode and nothing happen to them means it's alright to do it again. Please! There are other passengers on board as well! Are you going to be responsible for everyone's lives?
Preparing to fly!
Landed in HK in one piece, though I was all groggy from the lack of sleep. It was a red-eyed flight and I wasn't having enough rest. We ended up in the lobby after walking around a bit and had our breakfast because most of the stores are not open yet. I slept deeply at the hotel's lobby while B began planning our itinerary with the map and info from friends on hand.
You know when you always watch those HK dramas and they were eating food from the road stalls and it looked really yummy right? NOT AT ALL! Ok, not for me for I'm not a local there. Thought I'd be adventurous and try the siew mai and how much I regretted it... Wanted to throw the rest and B do not like to waste food finished the rest off.
Saw some of the people drinking orange juice and the colour in the transparent bottle looked rich enough to know that it must be very sweet. Bought one and felt ripped off for it cost me at least HK$20? Can't remember how much it cost exactly but definitely not worth the money. Well yea, it's damn sweet. Heeh.
Can't find this brand in SG. Pink for her! :D
Regretted not buying more clothes from this store.
Everyone was telling me that I MUST TRY their wanton noodles.. So I did and ....... I finished the noodles only because the dumpling contained prawns. :(
Eating yummy food at Starbucks!!
Me....
More of me! XD
At the peak.
This photo marks the last day at HK. We shopped a lot and I was happy that I bought a lot of shoes and tops. Unfortunately the shoes do not match most of my clothes! Unless I'm wearing shorts.. :(
Anyway I'll definitely return to HK to do shopping again! However.... my next trip will be to Taiwan! Hope their streetside stalls will be better than HK or Thailand.. So far, none beats the stalls in Japan! I'm sure someone would be nodding their heads away when they read the last sentence. Hee.
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I was quite surprised when TP told me that she's throwing in the towel for I'd always thought I'd be the one to do so before her especially since she's under probation and is confirmed for her new role. Oh well, she's enjoying her life very much right now and I'm happy for her. That's something that I want to achieve but is unable to. I bet someone far away would be huffing and thinking "See!! Ask you to stay with me but you don't want. You could be a tai tai!". Lol. Yes yes... But I do not regret making that decision and for someone to say "I'll wait for you to change your mind"... well, they always end up with someone else. So I don't really place much hope on that... We shall see eh? :)
Below are photos of me and TP only as the rest... well cannot see the light and others are with B. No Tam. :(
Love this picture because it looked like we are sharing something funny just between the two of us. :)
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Anyway, I'm using B's laptop to do photo editing (yes, resizing.. Lazy me but mac is so difficult to operate!), uploading of photos and updating of blog. Wanted to use my own PC for blog updates however my pc just keeps going down! Lousy. Maybe I ought to change to mac and give it a try huh.
So, I was saying.. I'm using his laptop to do this which means.. there's a very high chance of him finding out this blog - which I wish he will not because I'm still not ready to show him this blog of mine. It's the only thing I have kept away from his eyes, his knowledge and do not wish for him to find out about it yet. I'm sure that he's still keeping something from me which I do not know what.
Anyway... as I was accessing to blog, I found out that he has links to the girl whom he used to date while we were in an open relationship - I'm not sure whether am I being too sensitive. Am I? If he was to find out that I'm accessing some blog/information about a guy whom I used to date/like, would he have felt the same as I do? Or he would just shrug it off like it doesn't bother him?
And he also access to his last ex-gf's blog. Of which, I read it out of curiosity. I found out that he had done the same to her as to me. Like messaging his ex when he was with her and messaging her when he's with me. The reason he told me was she's sad that he's in a relationship already and they were doing some closure to their relationship. Now, I really wonder which part of what he said was true. When I read it, my heart felt.. so painful like never before. I was confused and do not know how to react. Waves of anger, betrayal (too kua zhang mah?) and disappointment splashes upon me in one shot. He told me that it was a mutual breakup and he was feeling bored staying at home with her doing nothing when he used to go out all the time before things changed. However, from her blog, it sounded differently.
Seems like I'm not the only one with trust problem. I was asking for his phones to check on (it was meant to be a joke) and he said that there's no trust when he passed me the phones for me to check. Deep in my heart, yes indeed. There's no trust. He can message his ex-gf, R whom he loved very much when he was with her and now that he's with, can I trust that the same will not happen for he did message her.
What he said to me before we are together was ringing in my ears again. He cannot give his attention to just one girls but to many girls BUT that one girl must give him all her attention. He's like a king, a selfish one. He kept emphasising that he's no flirt.. but it doesn't seem that way to me.
She mentioned in her blog, once bitten, twice shy.. Does that means he did something unthinkable to her before?
It is already very difficult to trust him from last time and when I was finally able to trust him, it crumble again. And when I'm able to pick up the pieces to form it up again, here it goes. I thought that I could trust him wholeheartedly without thinking too much. Can I do that?
Our relationship is working fine, we love each other. Well, I love him but now, I can't say the same for him. However, as much as I love him, I can't trust him. Without trust, love will eventually fade away right?
He told me that he sees a future with me, something that he did not feel or think of with any of his exes except for the one whom he loved very much. Seeing her blog, it seems like he just said the same to every other girls. The relationship can go very far, blah blah.
And when she caught him still messaging his ex, he said he did not tell her because he's afraid of hurting her. Wow, that's like a repeat to me. He's worried that it will hurt our relationship if he tells me. So did he not learn from his past mistakes? That lying is more hurtful than telling the truth?
I'm not sure what to think now. Am I just being too sensitive?
I know it is not right for me to be checking on his personal stuffs just because I'm his girlfriend or using his computer but I just read it. I was so tempted to check all his accounts, to see if whether is he still messaging any of his ex girlfriends, etc. I did not for I fear that I'll find out more that I do not wish to see.
So, we said to take one's feelings into consideration. He threw away my Cityview hotel card because I went there with my ex bf. Oh, but it's just a card with my name, no sweet nothings from him. He, on the other hand, kept her note and pasted it on the cupboard where one can see straight up. Everytime I'm there, I see it. If a note from my ex bf is also pasted on some spot where one can sees it clearly, how would he feel? Would he just keep quiet? Or would he throw it away? I did not say anything whenever I saw the note because I was expecting him to do something, which he did not sadly. I am not sure whether the note is still there at the same spot or did he just shift it from left to right and back to left. Or he threw it away after reading this.
He was saying that I put another person's photo as my facebook profile picture and did not put his. Hello? You put your good friend's photo and everyone thought something went wrong between us. I did not demand or scream or shout to get it change because you said she's your good friend. I trust you and respect your friend. So, it is also alright for me to do the same right? To put a photo of my dearest friend.
Most of the things you own, were from your exes. Wallet, B keychain which you put together with the $ keychain I bought for you (I don't supposed you think of my feelings when you do that right? Or it's another you can do but I can't), the water tumbler which I just drank water out of - would you do the same too? I don't know what else are from your exes for I guess there's no point asking or knowing right? The only time you volunteer to throw away B was when I asked you about it. I'm not sure you want to throw it away just to shut me up or just saying for the sake of saying because you did not immediately get up and throw it away. Or in the first place, shouldn't put it together.
In Thailand, I learnt that you lose weight just to confess to the girl you like - whom you are still in contact with now. I am ok with that but I didn't expect you to be so angry or bothered when the guy whom I used to like meet up with me. I still have no idea why you do not want to approach her for the service and neither do you give me a very valid reason.. Or the reason you gave was just another one out of your handbook - common answers to Q. She asked why did you put your close friend's photo as profile and not hers, if she asked to put hers, would you?
One of your ex girlfriends became your good friend - this I accept and did not ask to break contact with her. For my ex bf or guys who used to like me became my good friends.
You said I have a lot of guy friends, more than girls and it's always guys whom I'm messaging.
How about you? Did you think of your side when you said these to me? You have a lot of female friends, and it's always girls who messages you. New names popped up and neither did you offer to share until when asked.
I do not add just anyone in my facebook unless it is someone I'm close to or comfortable enough to add in my fb, what about you?
You said that I did not think of your feelings when my friend came over. The person who came over is a girl with zero interest in me. I always put your feelings on top of mine and hence I stopped doing things that may upset you. I message my friends openly - letting you see them, tell you about my friends when you usually clams up or just gave short answers to my questions (which I gave up asking anyway. Should I stop asking totally?). Have photos, I'll share them with you. Yes you did, that's after I saw it and asked about it.
Always promises this and that, but I soon found out that it's easy for you to make a promise but hard to keep one.
I still love you but if you ask me what I want from you? Does it even matter if I tell you? Would you do it?
You said I was different, and that you want to have a future with me. I wondered, to how many did you tell that to? Did you say it for the sake of making the girl feel assure? You said that you love me more than I love you? IS that true?
I could tell myself, what can you do when you're spending most of your time with me and the only time you can flirt is through messaging. Which I seldom see you on your phone -then. I guess anything is possible. When you are away, on your own free time, you'll be there checking out other people's facebook (talk about seldom being on facebook), checking out the girl you used to like and your ex. The meter from not very bothered became bothered to quite bothered now.
In a short span of three months, so many things can happen. And I thought we had managed to sort out most of our differences. Alas, I was wrong. There's still a lot of things I do not know about you.
Go check all you want, see all you want, message all you want for I decided to not be bothered by it, even if you want to meet them. By means, do it. Send them home in your car, drive them around, just you and her (whoever the girl is), do it.
I, on the other hand will try to build the trust wall over my end and see how long it will take to build and how long it can hold up. Shall not lookup at any of the webs even if the search bar shows up the links. I guess, if we are meant to be, we are meant to be. If we are not, we are not. Here I was thinking that somehow fate brought us together, to go through all these obstacles, all these hurdles, perhaps I was wrong. I do not know why do I have to shed so much tears for you. To give so much thought to your feelings. To have love you so much. Maybe we need some time away from each other? Which I'm afraid if we do, I may lose my feelings towards you in time to come. So, tell me, what should I do?
If you do something, you should know that I'd presume that it's alright to do the same too. Not doing it just to spite you, but it seems alright to do so. This, you ought to know.
I remembered saying that I shall not help you charge your phones in case I saw any messages not meant for my eyes. I shall keep to it from today onwards. Neither will I read any messages be it in your computer (this case the search bar as well) nor your phones. You can put the word trust so easily on your lips but did it ever occur to you why did it happen?
Now, I'll just take a step at a time. With this, and you going to another outlet, I won't know what you'd do. I'll just be worried.
If you feels that a guy likes me and I still talk to him, sit beside him, how would you feel? Even when I assure you many times that I have no interest in him, do not like him and all. How would you feel?
Sorry to those reading this, for I did not foresee that it will be such a long post. And neither am I able to tell whether will he bump onto this blog of mine and read it. Whatever is up there, I'd just pour them out from my heart. What I've been keeping inside, trying not to be bother by it.
B, if you are indeed reading this, it is up to you whether do you still want to keep this relationship going for I still do and I do not know why. I just want to give this relationship of ours another chance (again and again). I do not want to give up so easily this round but when my heart crumbles, it spells the end. You cannot term me as a slut who leaves you for another man because he may have merits you do not have (not money wise). You cannot term me as a possessive girlfriend for I'd tried to give you some leeway but you made it hard for me to trust you. And I'm not the only one with trust issues.
You were the one to say no secrets between us. I did not keep any from you except for this blog which is like my diary, not meant for your eyes for now since our relationship is not stable yet.
I do not want to be like some naggy woman to talk about you smoking. However, after hearing what happened to your father, I believe that I should have some rights to ask you to stop when you're ready and I hope that it will not take forever. I do not want to lose you that way and I'd said before, I do not want to lose someone dear to me anymore, again.
To date, I still do not understand why did you pick up smoking again when you start going out with me. The answer you gave do not justify it.
If B never read or come upon this blog, should I ask him about it? Why is he reading up on his ex gf blog and the girl he used to like and date blog/instagram?
A friend said he doesn't mind his gf messaging her ex-bf even if it's on a daily basis. I guess that's trust. Neither do I mind when Mr Tan does that because of trust. I do mind if B do that because there's not trust.
I do, deep in my heart wish he will not see this blog. I do not wish to change my sign out name because it's a name give by Master Keigo. I treasure it. I do not want to change it because of him. I do not want to make this blog private just to keep it away from him.
I'll tell him about this blog when the time comes. Please do not see this blog for now, B.
I'll delete this from the history if I have to.
Do I sound silly? Like some over possessive girlfriend? One that thinks too much over nothing?
I still don't understand why would he want to be with me. Him, superficial, and me much older than him. When the aging starts, what will start to happen? He'll definitely want to find someone young and pretty to look at right?
Friends are telling me to find someone my age or older so that I'll still be younger than them no matter what instead of the other way round. They will still love me more, be able to take care of me physically and financially. Am I being stubborn for not listening to them?
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